Thank You!

I just wanted to take the opportunity to say Thank You to everyone who sponsored me and helped me to do the tek. From sponsorship, lending of poles, beards grown to raise money and all the bets!

I couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you again
xxxx

It's been a Hard Rock Night ....

We arrived late and so sat at the front at the Hard Rock Café

Big Mistake

Next thing I know I am on stage.. and then it started.. another fun night indeed! The band were fantastic and had probably never witnessed this level on dancing outside of "You Tube". Thank you Vik!

It was also Earth Hour but we forgot and then wondered if someone had forgot a 50p for the meter

A few of us ended up back at the hotel. A few photos of sleeping guards were taken and we managed to drink a fair few bottles of Great Wall Red before we remembered we had an early start.. Luckily, we had a slice of spam for breakfast that day too.

We firmly established ourselves as back in the western world by having a club sandwich and chips at the airport. To be honest I could not eat at the other restaurant . Call me strange but I just couldn’t eat at the Mingge Oriental …

The flight back will go down as one of the funniest flights I have ever been on in my life. There were no individual screens on the Lufthansa flight and the screens on the plane showed the Invention of Lying and re-runs of 70's Kojak.. oh and a film about some guinea pigs…

German music.. well.. many channels.. no choice…

No much to do really for the Trekkers …..well… apart from have your photo taken with the woman in the hydrating mask, arrange a collection on the flight, get drunk, sleep talk and have a few more drinks…

I arrived back in London to find my cab driver could not find his way to Heathrow and so had to make alternative arrangements. I was not best pleased and more than a little grumpy and tired by this point.

Why is it that you always return to rain??

The fellowship was over, I had made friends for life, I had laughed so much and so hard that I should be able to bounce boiled eggs off my abs (I couldn’t as they were covered in a layer of spam), I had learnt so much and seen a beautiful country and raised money for a wonderful cause.

And due to the Vaseline my feet were in a better condition now then when I started.

Would I do it again ? NO, as it wouldn’t be the same. I think I was very lucky to be in this trek group. So many wonderful characters. I do miss them.

Would I suggest it to others? Hell Yes!

This is one of the best things I have ever done.

The Colonel

I am not one for junk food but I know that from living abroad you crave things that you don’t normally eat when in the UK.

When I lived in Chicago I craved Bird’s custard powder.

My Mum sent me some in the post, unfortunately for me she decided to take it out of the tin and send in a sealed plastic bag along with another sealed plastic bag of Yorkshire pudding mix.

Unfortunately as this was the time of the anthrax scares in the US just after 9/11.. Little packets of white powder being sent through the post in Jiffy Bags….

It took that parcel 3 months to get to me. I still now giggle when I think that there is a possibility that security were analysing the Bird's...

“We don’t know what it is Sir but is turns a yellow not known in the natural world when you add milk…”

I have no idea what they thought of the Yorkshire pudding mix. At least she didn't try and send me a packet of Aunt Bessies.. or some mushy peas.

A diet of rice, veg and spam can become a little monotonous after 10 days and I was craving some “normal“ food. I don’t even know why I say normal. I was just craving something that wasn’t rice.

On the way back to Beijing we saw a KFC. The bags were left and we braved life and limb to cross roads and get to that KFC. It was delicious- I know. But it really was. Even High Society loved her cold chips.

Silence fell across the group of 8 that had made the trek as we ate fried chicken chips and ice cream. A guilty pleasure.. a bit like me having a soft spot for Jeremy Clarkson.. it's wrong.. but you just can't help it...

Vik captured the mood entirely when he stood up and saluted the Colonel.

All that was needed was Birds Custard Powder.

Tourists

It was a sorry group that ended up in Tiananmen square the next day .. well , maybe that was just me. I could not face breakfast and so with warm coat on I went and joined the others to brave the day trip.

We had been warned not to worry if we were stared at. Most of the people in the square would be villagers who had come down for the day to pay their respects to Chairman Mao. I do have a watch with a face of Chairman Mao and the minute hands are of him waving.. it doesn't work anymore but it's brilliant ... Thanks Ric!

The villagers queue up from 6.30 am to see the Tomb and for some reason all wear the same hats to identify themselves as part of a group.

When you first see a group of 30 Chinese tourists all wearing Burberry caps you wonder what the hell was in the tequila and then realise, by the looks on other's faces, that you are either all having a joint hallucination.. or that it is real! Thirty Chinese Chav’s in Burberry…

Those taller than my perfect height just got stared at and pointed. They would look down to see people tugging on their jumpers and asking if they could have their photo taken with the giants. I was not in these photos..

They all loved poor Vik's hair .. he was treated like a rock star.

Looking around it was hard to imagine 1989 and the protests. There is still a lot of security in the area and lots of bag checks but this is worthwhile when you get into the Forbidden City. It is such a special sight and I would love to go back there and wander around the City and the Palaces.. when I am not hungover

It was I saw my first Bronze Dynasty Ding .. I wish it has been the Dong Dynasty…. but it wasn't.

The rest of the afternoon was spent at a silk factory.. amazing fabrics .. and then at an indoor market where you could buy genuine fakes for as little as you were able to barter them down to.

I was with Harpic who should be snapped up by worldwide organizations as a negotiator. This woman has a serious Poker face and does not back down. I was so impressed. Especially when she managed to get me a Chanel bag for £9…..

The fact that it is identical to a colleagues real one makes it even better.

The sales ladies met their match with Harpic.. she almost made one cry. They actually loved her. So did I.. see above with Chanel bag…

I was almost loosing the will to live in the market. I was hot, hungover and being grabbed to go and buy things . My duck down jacket had also managed to get a tear somewhere as I was looking like I had been attacked by a fox and was leaving a little trail of feathers where ever I went.

I still managed to get a good few bargains.. well Harpic did…

It was time to get ready .. It was Hard Rock café night …

Awards

We all washed, scrubbed up and got ready for dinner. It wasn't that far from the hotel and Beijing looks lovely at night.....

I managed to win a few awards which resulted in a lot of chocolate... yum!!

The back group also won an awards for motivation although I think Janet should have got a special award for the jump she did on Dr Doug.

After a "few" drinks we hit the town .. and boy did we do it ....

I am not sure if the bar knew what had hit it .. nor the romantic couple in the corner .. but soon the two people on the stage were joined by several others. Infact at one point they left the stage and Laurence ended up putting on a show..

Several tequilas were drunk, I gave someone a piggy back, ended up throwing tequila in my eye and having it licked off my cleavage.. just a normal night really

I felt wonderful the next day....

The End of the Fellowship

And so we came to the final day of walking. It would be a half day with optional zip slide and then back to Beijing for the farewell meal.

It was a very strange day in some ways as we ended up walking on a restored part of the wall. It didn't seem like the Wall that we had come to know and love. This was a really touristy part that was neat and tidy and wasn't anywhere near as crumbly.

It was manicured.

We did get some looks in our walking boots, poles and rucksacks. Looks as the other people we saw were wearing sandals and walking with their children and wearing normal jeans and T shirts. Damn British, always have to go over the top and prepare. We must have looked like Ray Mears wearing his best bushcraft outfit to go shopping at Tescos.

Maybe they were looking at us as we had spam and sultanas....

And so the trek ended with a spray of champagne, a few tears and lots of photos.. ooh and some cake!!

We did it! And we did it in style

All that remained was to get back and have a quiet celebration.....

Toboggan.......

Yes, a gentle toboggan ride from the top of the wall into the village below. How simple could it be?

Harpic had her nice pink jumper tied around her waist and thoughtfully cleaned the whole run as the jumper was black at the end.

The costumed attendants pointed at instructions, pull the stick up to slow down and push if you want to go faster hunny.

I was after Sharon and waited a little while so I could get a speed up. It was so much fun!!

As I rounded a corner there was Sharon. For some reason she had stopped and her toboggan was not going anywhere. Behind me I could hear the whoops of Emily and Tracy as they sped towards us.

Uttering a genteel Northern warning cry to the guys behind me I slowed down. Sharon has managed to get it going again but it kept slowing down. Emily's cries were soon right behind me and down we all went like a convoy being careful not to smash into each other.

The costumed men kept telling us to speed up or slow down and one even slapped poor Sharon.

We saw the end in sight and tried to slow down to avoid going straight through the barrier, down the steps and along the " high street" with bits of tat attaching themselves to us.

The Italian job had minis .. the Chinese job just had toboggans.

We caused chaos on a simple slide..

My sister had asked me if I could get a snake's penis carved into the shape of Jackie Chan but despite trying I couldn't find one anywhere.

We knew that civilization as we knew it .. well.. just American tourists.. was close.. as we spotted a Subway.

Steeeeeeeeeeeep

The next day when we did our warm ups apart from the pomps from passing cars, and things that were trying to be cars, we had an audience of Chinese men watching us..

Well, most of them had actually placed themselves behind Susi to watch as she bent over. Their smiles could be seen from space.

We set off down the road and through a local village that had traditional "communist" music being blared out for all the workers... lots of stares on both sides.

Today it was steep!!!With lots of hawkers trying to sell T shirts and drinks etc. I was even surprised by one that spoke to me in an Irish accent... I know that Riverdance is popular but I had no idea on the extent...

There was a sign on this part of the wall advising that due to the holes and rubble you needed to keep left. Great health and safety except it was the same sign at the top and the bottom....

A novel place for food

Normally we would eat in places near to or attached to the hotel.

One one night we had our food in what was a garden centre. The owner had been to the UK liked what he saw and decided to set up a garden centre come restaurant. It was lovely, even though we did get told off for hiding amongst the ferns.

We also had no idea where the toilets were so used our analytical skills and opened the door that had a dragon in it. No toilets but I now know the dragon is a sign for " open door to find Chinese man looking at you with open mouth on a sack of rice"

You have been warned.

Harpic and Hostage

With Anglo-Chinese relationships firmly established we carried on walking.
Some parts of the trek were on very high parts of the wall but we also had to walk across some ledges today. Again the views were humbling.

All of a sudden, like Mr Ben, a man selling tea, coffee etc would appear out of nowhere. The legend of English women and tea have obviously been spread and shouted from the roof tops.. I have no idea what they charged us but a hot cuppa tea was worth everything.

I even bought the most expensive snickers bar in the world. I savoured every mouthful. Which was one.

The ledges we crossed were narrow and you had to face the wall, hold on and shuffle across them. Usually at the end of the ledge we would clamber up a rock but I always felt safe as the guides blocked the worst of any drops and often pushed us up by the buttocks. Yes, weren't they lucky.

If I am honest I was more worried on slipping and taking them out!

The middle and backs group were on a ledge when we came to an abrupt halt. We had no idea why but we didn't really want to stuck on a narrow ledge hanging onto a wall.

Unbeknown to us at the front of the group was an angry Chinese Farmer with an axe. He said that one of the groups in front had taken photos of him and he was not best pleased at this violation.

Our front group swore blind it wasn't them so we blamed the only other group of people we had seen.. The Bloody Canadians...

The farmer was refusing to let us move past and we were being held hostage on the ledge. Poor Sharon's phone went off at this point.. it had the Avon doorbell as it's ring and was just what you need when you are pressed against the wall not looking at the drop thinking the wall is my friend I love the wall... This was not the time to put through a mascara order.

Eventually we were allowed to pass. It was only on the last night after a few tequilas that High Society started to show me some of her photos. She looked in horror when she realised that it she had caused the hostage situation. Despite swearing blind she had not one, but three photos of the farmer, including one in close up with him and the axe.. he didn't look a happy man....

Past the ledge and in the distance we saw another Chinese lady waiting for a group. We had literally just got rid of the others.

"Feck me" said Harpic " This one's fecking persistent"

Our Chinese guide smiled " This is my wife".

The quotes of Harpic

Like I said the hawkers had smelt blood. You cannot blame them for trying to sell things to you as its the way they make money. Unfortunately, someone from a previous group had decided to pay one of the hawkers to carry his bags....now they all wanted it.

As we arrived at the beginning of the daily trek a swarm of hawkers surrounded the coach. Nothing to sell.. they just wanted to walk with us, carry our bags, help us and then get paid for it. Just say No politely was the advice and they will eventually leave....no.. these lot were like glue!

I can only imagine this is what it is like for movie stars or sports people who are mobbed the minute they get off a coach. We were surrounded, we didnt have a clue what was being said. We were all allocated a Chinese Hawker to walk with us if we wanted it or not.

It was quite scarey. We managed to push our way to the beginning of the wall followed by a horde of Chinese men and women. So much for a relaxing start. Julie and I set off at a march and ended up at the front of the group.. to cries of "dont you love us" from the backgroup. No we just wanted to walk alone!!

Not a chance. If you slowed, they slowed. Some of them left but mine stayed. He must have thought I would need carrying. No, I dont have a small arse mister but believe me I dont need your help.

We were clambering up a grass slope and on some bits those in front would turn and help the other to get up the bank. On this slope offering his hand to help pull the trekkers to the top was a Chinese man dressed in full walking gear. Without thinking Harpic shouted " Look at this one. He's a feckin professional this one. Look at him, he's even got a pole".

Without blinking an eye, and in perfect English, he offered Harpic his hand and said " Hello, I'm your guide".

Priceless!!

My shadow ignored every request. I slowed down thinking he would get bored, he slowed down. I ignored him .. he was used to it. I was considering paying him some money just so he would feck off and leave me alone.

We stopped for a drink of water and unfortunetely my water bottle bounced out of my hand and rolled down a slope. Not to worry - I had others.

In an instant my hawker came to me and indicated me would get my water bottle. I shook my head and pointed to the water I was drinking. I mean , it was a slope!! I would need to have no water and be desperate to try and fetch it. Again he wanted to go, again I said NO. He came even close pointed to my water and started to move.. Harpic looked at him and said the words that have no boundaries in culture or language

"What part of FUCK OFF don't you understand".

He left. For good

Watch Out Hawker's about..

The next day of trekking will go down as one of the funniest mornings I have ever had which ended with us being held hostage on a ledge by a farmer with an axe...and we have the photos to prove it...

I just rested on the coach and tried to go over all the things I had seen and experienced. It didnt seem like days it seemed like months and I am not too proud to admit that when I returned to 8 hours of working in London rather than 8 hours of walking in China I hit a huge slump.

You learn a lot about yourself when on a trek. I mean I knew I was clumsy and had a different sense of humour but I started to like all of me and appreciate myself more. I learnt to trust more, not just of others but of myself. You all end up swapping stories from your fellow trekkers which you would take years to tell to others. Some sad, some that made you cry with laughter.

I even had my own care in the comunity carer Sharon .. I needed it!!

The place we were staying as was in a more touristy area which you could tell by the hawkers that surrounded the coach the minute it arrived. Panda hats, great wall of China T Shirts and gloves, hats, socks, walking poles( I was attached to mine). The hawkers had smelt blood, it had sent them into a frenzy and they were not going to give up the scent easily.

The first hotel room was so cold I actually screamed when I went into the bathroom as my feet froze to the floor.

We were moved to another room but the hot water ran out before I got into the shower. To say I was close to tears was an understatement, dinner was in 15 minutes and I was minging. For health and safety reasons I needed my wash. There was still a lot of mud on my bum! My Care in the Community Worker let me use the shower in their room and I emerged clean feeling reborn.

I must have looked interesting in the Hogan headband over the past two days as I sat next to someone and they didn't recognise me!!

After being informed that the white wine was £60 a bottle I decided to stick with red.

It was Doug's birthday so we celebrated. I even managed to eat birthday cake with chopsticks.. I mean .. It was cake.. I was polite as normally I go head first into it.

Due to time spent on Skyros I resolved to never take part in anything that was similar to a "Cabaret" or party games... So I was a total party pooper and had an earlyish night in bed ... ahh the joy!!

School's Out ....

The plan for the day was to walk to a part on the wall where 3 provinces of China meet and then visit a school in the afternoon. It was cool but with beautiful blue skies. In all we were exceptionally lucky with the weather.. if only the sun had melted that bloody ice!!

I was so tired I even found the warm up difficult.. stand on one leg and rotate the other ankle.. not a fookin chance.. it had also resulted in temporary tourettes..

I wasnt the only one feeling that way and between us we managed to get ourselves all lively again. Personally I can suggest taking the following after breakfast; dextrose tables, some skittles, a berocca and some green tea tablets.By the time they all kicked in I was flying!!

Part of the challenge for the tour operator was to get us doing a dance routine so we all ended up doing the YMCA on the top part of the wall. It may not win awards but it was great fun to do ...

On the way back we noticed lots of little pits that were all empty...maybe it was like the movie Hostel and this is where they put stray tourists and poked them with sticks.. but no .. it was just for the corn. I think the heat of the bed had frazzled my mind...

We ate lunch back in the village under the glance of Chairman Mao and then started down the road to walk to a local school.

You often see funny pictures from China of people working with a complete disregard to safety and in cars that look like they have been strapped together with bits of stuff found in a tip. Well, I would like to say - its all true!!

Some of the newer houses that were being built were in a Western style.. and they were huge with gates and several bedrooms. I wonder how the villages will change in a few years especially as many try and become more Western in their tastes.. well...well, more Essex in one that I saw.

The school was an eye opener. They put on an exercise class for us outside led by a very strong female character whom everyone followed. Some of the group joined in and the funniest moment was when she bent to tie her shoelaces and everyone bent down and followed her movements..including us!!We all got shouted at.

The first thing I noted in the school was signs on swine flu and pictures showing do not cuddle your pigs... not something you get in London.

The children looked so much younger than their UK counterparts and the girls were more confident than the boys. Their English was fantastic and we spoke, sang and left pens etc for them. Those involved with the communist party wore small red scarfs, part of the flag, around their necks.

To know that some of these children walked to and from the village we had been in every day to get an education made me realise how much we take for granted. I don't know what would happen in the village if a local took sick as it was a fair distance away from major towns and I didnt see any doctors at all. I think a lot of the things we saw made us question a lot of things about ourselves and what we take as a given.. but hey, this is a blog so I won't mention that . If I do start to write a new blog called " The Good Life - Streatham Branch" you will be the first to know....

After the foray into the toilets that I have already mentioned we got on a bus and headed back to civilization....

After all it was Dr Doug's Birthday!

The Village

On we trudged.

Eventually we could see a road in the distance and we knew that once we reached it we would be on our way to the village..sanity..sleep and a good wash.

We just had to get down the slope.. I am pretty sure I did some of it backwards.

Safely on the road we all had a group hug and the dried mud from my arse was brushed off.. it's on video and I think it looks similar to a sandstorm.

Sandy sat herself down on a farmer's wall that had been constructed carefully from broken parts of the wall. As we watched one boulder fell.. followed by another part, and another part until suddenly the whole part of the wall fell into the road.

Looking at each other in horror we turned to our guide Peter - he looked at us and then the wall and shouted " RUN"

Waking into the village we noticed lots of immaculate little dogs in the backyard. There were one or two larger guard dogs tied up but mostly lots of well-groomed small dogs that looked as pampered to hell.

We asked Peter why this was and got the response

" We keep small dogs as they are too boney to eat. Dog, yum yum"

prompting a slap from the veggies in the group as he ran away giggling... Maybe the red meat was actually Redsetter

Some of the others had got to the village before us and saluted us into the village with raised poles and bottles of beer... very well deserved beers.

How would I describe the local village house??It was very clean and welcoming but it was also very basic. Drop toilets and basins outside to wash your hands and a shower that I am pretty sure was not used by anyone.

As you can imagine by this point I was beyond minging.

I took off my red head scarf and quickly put my hat on for the safety of others....

Grabbing my bag I headed for the room but on opening the door I realised that it was impossible for six people to stand in the room at the same time. It would need to be done on shifts. At any given time only three people had enough room to stand on the floor...

From what I have learnt we stayed in a typical chinese village accomodation. You sleep on a long tiled " bed" which is heated to keep you warm. We also had sand pillows. Six if us were all lined up together in our sleeping bags - it woud be a cosy night to say the least.

That night we ate like Kings and some ended up doing an improvised assault course in the courtyard. We were looked at like we were mad... and to be honest I think most people would have looked at us this.

I discovered Harpic's secret power that night - the ability to guess charades with hardly any clues eg film seven words " The good, the Bad and the Ugly". No contest....

It was bloody cold outside but it was like Barbados on that bed and that was before the thermals and the sleeping bag. At one point I wondered if we had wandered into a hostel type scenario and we were actually being slow cooked and would end up in a stew the next day.

The lovely lady lying next to me snored but Harpic thought it was me so as I was getting to sleep she nudged me in the ribs..

I can honestly say it was one of the worst nights sleeps I have ever had in my life. I had barely any sleep, I was grumpy, tired and weak, minging and had no option but to repeat the day as a Hulk Hogan lookalike...

It looked like it was going to be a long day....

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

And so on we trekked .. it is at this point we became very well acquainted with Chinese chopped pork and ham....

Spam

The Chinese are not the best at putting together a packed lunch. Infact on my travels they could rate as some of the worst, but then again it’s not food that they themselves eat so they did their best.

You are warned on this before the Trek and if you need to bring food/energy bars then you should. You are warned but in my view nothing prepared me for that spam.

Every morning we had to collect a packed lunch for ourselves.. meat or veggie.. and carry it with us until lunchtime - carried as far away from the nappy sacks as possible…


On that first full day we all sat down on a outcrop of rock and tenderly prized open the plastic bag.. oohh yes,.. a boiled egg.. ooohh and an apple.. and oohh.. a pepperoni type sausage thing as well.. and a huge sandwich … wow ..

The hunk of unsliced “mother’s pride” had been sectioned into three pieces almost to the bottom of bread. As we peeled the “slices” back we saw that one section had a slice of tomato and a sliver of spam, the other section a slice of cucumber and a slither of spam. For the veggies, two slices of cucumber one side and two slices of tomato the other. No Spam. We also had a splodge of a butter type substance on each slice. Dry?? You bet.

I have a hearty appetite and can eat most things. Infact I was one of the group tasters. I tried most things first to tell others what they were.. I did advise Harpic that some bright pink meat was possibly red setter but she still ate it . Based on another conversation it just may well have been ….

I chewed that sandwich for a long time.. I was hungry and needed energy but I don’t think my teeth, taste buds and tummy knew what the hell was going on . I left the egg .. always nice to have a treat in the afternoon…

I have to admit though that Chinese apples are some of the most tasty I have ever had. They were delicious!! To be fair most of the food in China was fresh and exceptional.

Spam for breakfast and lunch every day .. it made us laugh and I have to thank you Monty Python but I never want to see spam again … I ate some at the reunion and felt a wave of nausea…

I think the final lunch I had was the worst .. spam and sugar on sultana bread … there are no words.

That was a day when I didn’t save my egg as a treat.

Gandalf the Northerner

As so on we trekked.. some of us more covered in mud that others.. In the end we formed the brown arse group for those who had slipped and I was named President .. I think it was an honour

We walked up slopes and down slopes and up slopes, scrambling over rocks and rubble like mountain goats.. I decided at this point that I loved my walking pole so much, and to be honest it had offered me more help and security than some men have in the last few years, that I should actually marry it. I loved that pole. I really dont think I could have done the ice ledge without it...

As far as I was aware the slopes were incredibly steep as I was almost bent over double using the pole as leverage to get up them.

It was only when we stopped on a flat part of the wall and I stood up that I realised the spike of the pole was actually above my knee cap and it was actually no longer extended …

My pole was no bigger than a Hobbits walking stick, no wonder I had been bunched over like the old grey wizard whilst clambering up the slopes… Gandalf the Northerner.. with mud

And no.. I didnt marry it in the end...Harpic's keeping it safe for me!

Best First Aid Ever

Most first aid kits contain the usual stuff but I would like to give a suggestion that all first aid kits on Treks contain something that can raise the mood of the most jaded, heal the limping, can lift the spirits and transform someone to a sprightly kitten of a thing.

The Roman Army helped its soldiers march for hours within hunger or complaint by providing them with fennel seeds to chew on. Us English ladies are far more simple than that

Yes .. just offer us a cuppa tea

If you offered a group of woman a cuppa if they managed to haul their arses quickly to the next peak I promise you it would be like witnessing training for the 2012 Olympics. If you threw in a digestive biscuit we would march for hours. Maybe not without complaint but if you shoved another digestive in our gobs then we would at least be silent for a while

I remember the wonderful words that Vik uttered the night before to me as we managed to light our way home by pressing the buttons on our mobile phones..

“I have teabags”

He had also got milk by miming to the Chinese but we won’t go into that as by the hand actions he showed he is lucky to have only been given UHT full fat..

Pure and utter heaven....

Watch Out .. Karen's About....

Some people are born with the grace and elegance of a swan …

I am not one of them...

I think I have to blame it on genetics as my Mum is the only other person I know who manages to wash up using themselves as part of the cleaning process. When I wash up I don’t know what I do but, like my mother, I can turn around and be covered in soapy water from the boobs downwards.. I could make a fortune on the internet …

I am also known for going to bathrooms and turning on the taps to wash my hands and ending up looking like I have been attached by a hosepipe. I also managed to fall down the stairs twice in flat shoes before the trek.

Is it any surprise then that I won the “ best fall award”?

Maybe I was still jet lagged? Maybe I was tired, fearful, walking with holes in my tracksuit bottoms where someone… probably me .. had speared them with a walking pole and I was now walking on them as they were ripped .. maybe this … nah ..Ok.. that bollocks.. it’s because I am clumsy

With a cry of “ ooh, it’s a bit slippy here” I managed to land on my arse and go round a corner in clay mud leaving my arse a very fetching shade of orange brown.. this was much to the amusement of everyone ..

Luckily I didn’t land too hard or my water bottle would have been wedged up my arse and that is a task I would not have given to the doctor…

I cemented my reputation as a woman of grace a little later on when on a totally flat, muddy area I turned to the ladies beside me and said “ Watch out here ladies it’s slippy”. With not a care in the world, or thinking of using my own walking pole, I took a stride and did what can only be described as a moment of pure comedy

My feet left the ground and for a moment in time I levitated above Mother Earth.. a vision in red headscarf and tatty tracksuit .. I was flying.

I landed with such a crash on the mud on the other arse cheek that I think I actually shifted the tectonic plates and I would like to offer my apologies to everyone if this has caused us to have less daylight in the working day ... I know there was an earthquake afterwards but I believe my arse played no part in this …

The first thing I saw was the look of shock on Harpic’s face followed by peels of laughter.. I think some must have come from me too as it was very funny. It’s nice to know that your friends will always come and help you once they have managed to straighten up and wipe the tears from their eyes.

To say that my bum was covered in mud is an under-statement.

A word from the wise.. Do not wear tracksuit bottoms when walking . Yes, they are comfy but if they get wet , or say covered in mud, they will be dragged down by the weight and make you look like you have a saggy arse… this may have been the case before the mud but believe me .. it’s not an attractive look… But at least no damage was done .. And I won a choccie bar!! More padding for the arse!!

Peter the guide laughed so hard when he saw me that he told me I have could have two beers.. one for each arse cheek…

And I had hours of walking left ….

Heavens Ladder and the Hogan

As I said in the last blog, before the ice and after the ice seems a bit of a blur... after the constant .. "it's clear round the corner" from Peter our guide for about 30 minutes we did actually come to a path that has less ice on it ... Peter hadn't lied .. he just hadn’t told us what corner..

In front of us were rough stone steps that had been hewn out of the mountain side that led up almost vertically to the top. There was a handrail and we did stop for pics at the picnic area at the bottom but we all look worn out and knackered. By this point we had also officially become the back group.. award winning motivators and having the most fun possible whilst slipping all over the place. And so we approached heavens ladder. 200 plus steps.. hmmmmm

200 plus.. since when does 308 steps count as 200plus??

In that case I am a size 8 plus...

As a group we walked the steps together, ten steps and then a rest, ten steps and then a rest, with cries of “big step Karen” all the way.. we saw the end in sight and rejoiced, we felt proud, we had done it !! and soon we could stop and have some food and a drink and ..

WTF!!!

Yes, at the top of Heaven's Ladder stood a group of Chinese workmen with a bloody great bit of machinery... I would love to say that they did a Paul Daniel's and majicked it up there but no... I don't think they did...

They looked at us in a way that cannot be captured in words... with fags hanging out of mouths.. we must have looked a picture..

After more steps we came to the resting spot we had lunch and I experienced what can only be described as a spam experience..but more on that later…

I emerged from the bracken to be greeted by the shocked face of Harpic who took one look at my new red head scarf and sun glasses combo and commented

"Fuck me. With that headscarf you look like Hulk Hogan. All you need is the fucking yellow shorts and the tash now"..

Sadly, she was right as I have actually seen a picture of Hogan in an identical red head scarf and sadly he looked a damn sight fresher than I did it in at that moment... but I don’t think he ever appreciated it as much as I did.

And so that is how I became known as Hogan for the trek, Harpic, Hogan and High Society...

Challenge Anneka - Ice and Arse...

I am sure that Anneka Rice's bum was far better looking than mine from behind.. no .. let me state that again.. I know it was better...

By the end of day 2 my arse was covered in mud.. my trousers had a hole in the bottom from being speared by a walking pole.. probably my own in fear.. and that delightful view was in most photos to the extent it was named " the Arse of China"... I was also called the arsehole of China but I think that was in error after a stressful day.. But I still love you .. my care in the community helper...

I think a day can be viewed by how many photos were taken and by the number of quotes. I took none I was too terrified to stop and take off my bag. The trek also started with a discussion on sexuality and same sex relationships .. she may have been tired or may have had a valid point when one of the group commented that she thought all men had homicidal tendencies......

Day 2 ....Ice, scree, drops,mud, tears, falls, dust and wind... although the latter was mostly from Harpic after she slipped off the ledge with a cry of " I can't die, I haven't had children" and was swiftly caught ... Remember, when you catch someone and "save their lives" they may in return be ever grateful or just fart on you ...

I can't even remember the early part of the day .. I know we set out and walked to the same route we had done the previous day .. we warmed up like pros and I managed not to fall over whilst balancing on one leg and I think I looked damned good with the hip swivels...I know we went up more steps...we laughed, we went along a ledge similar to Hellvellyn with a ledge and sheer drops either side... that we ambled along some very narrow paths that snaked along the contours of the wall..

Nothing that we had thought, not a lot of walking ON the wall but it was so beautiful...We knew that this was going to be one of the longest days for walking and also one of the most challenging.. finished off by a night in a local homestay....

We were all nervous about Heaven's Ladder and the 200plus steps carved into the rock that we would need to trudge up.

Then came the ice.

The sunshine left us and we were on a sheltered narrow path that was totally ice bound.. On one side of the wall were bricks and bracken, on the other a steep slope with trees and more bracken. If you slipped off the ledge and down it apart from the fear you probably would have hurt yourself or at least damaged some tree stumps!! And then have to get back up the slope and carry on.

We took it very slow with the leaders and guides helping us along. I think the reason that the group bonded and got on so well so down to this day. You have to help and motivate each other. Everyone has different fears and sometimes you lose your fears by helping others who are more fearful than you .. well at least this is what they told me...

The trick to going along the path was to grab a handful of bracken in the left hand and hold it until you could find a footing on the right side of the path, usually a dead tree stump, then move your left leg to find footing and then repeat. Any branches that you could find could be passed to the next person behind you and so on....

Unfortunately every ***** branch bit of bracken I grabbed I managed to pull out of the wall.. It had survived thousands of years and then a Northerner was managing to destroy it in minutes.. I wasn't the only person who had managed to destroy the wall.. Harpic had been doing the same in the group ahead and I think that out joint swearing must have been heard in space.

My hair was all over the place and I was getting a bit sweaty as nervous if honest .. I HATE waking on Ice .. I am clumsy .. its not a good combination.

This is the part when I turn into Hogan and Sandra lent me a red headscarf that kept my hair away and all tucked up .. it was a life saver...I still have it and I will give it back at the reunion but every time I see it it just makes me smile.

And so we went on this way for what seemed like an eternity.. walking slowly on the ice, pulling the wall apart and slipping all over the place. I also rant, laugh and talk to myself when I am scared.... The time to be worried is when I am silent... like I said.. care in the community....

We were all concerned that we would lose our poles which were life savers as they helped us find extra stability and we could wedge them under our feet to make sure we slipped less. A word went round from the tour leaders to remind us to make sure we had our hand in the pole strap so that if we did slip we would not lose our poles down the slope.

Janet yelled over to me ," Karen , are you wearing your strap on"
"No" I cried " would it have helped?

Laughter and ice do not go together at all.. but if you are going to slip over a ledge I hope it is to the chorus of laughter and giggles. Ladies at the back, I have never laughed so much whilst being so scared..

One of our Chinese guides Peter was one of the funniest men I have met in a long time. If you asked him a question he would often give a Peter answer " how far away is it Peter" " 4 Minutes Karen".... after half an hour you would realise he meant a Chinese 4 minutes ....

Peter was guiding another lovely Sandra on where to put her feet on the slope with a cry of "here safe".. " this bit safe too" . I just followed his advice and hoped for the best.

We came to one bit that was steep and, apart from being covered in ice had very little to use to help pull yourself along. On some bits of the trek we had to remind Andy that he was well over 6 foot and we had hobbit legs. I could see the safe space he was pointing out but I just didn't know if my right leg could possibly jump that far to the tree stump without me ending up doing a move that Torvill and Dean would have been proud of. I did make the jump one time and then realised I didn't have a clue in hell what I was going to do with the other leg... it wasn't the last time that day I ranted on how I could only find space for one leg....

So there we are looking at this bare slope and then looking at each other and then we looked expectantly at Peter, hoping for guidance, motivation , encouragement.... he shrugged and shouted

"Nowhere safe... go where you can!!"

I was passed down a large tree branch from the top of the slope to help haul myself up. I was so confused it took a while to realise that the branch was between my legs and I er.. had nowhere else to go...
Yes, I had to go back down the ****ing slope and start again....

My hands by the way were scratched to hell.. yes.. I did have gloves but they were in my back pack.. with my camera...

And so we made it through the ice.My fellow trekkers were amazing, I was helped, cajoled and at one point had someones hand on my arse giving me a push when I started to slip backwards...

Corporations in the city.. eat your heart out .. this is only something you could dream about for team building events...

The fellowship on the wall had faced its first perils ... but the day had barely started....

I HEART Vaseline

yes... yes.. I know its petroleum based and all the rest and I will try to find a non oil based product next time ... but

VASELINE IS AMAZING!!

There, it has been said. A wise woman told me to smother my feet in Vaseline and then put sock liners on and then put on my walking socks as this would prevent blisters.

Not only did this work but my feet were in better condition at the end of the trek than they were at the beginning ....it's fantastic!!

Although having a super sized jar of it on your bedside table can leave you open to comments.....

" OOh I bet your feet are soft".....

4 Star Toilets, 5 star smell or to pee or not to pee.. that is the question...

Chinese toilets....

I have lived and worked in Greece so I am used to putting paper in the bin not down the loo itself.. I have even cleaned out those bins when we were busy at work and I have cursed the guests who used as I have seen some things that could frighten a mongoose ... and dealt with a case of the phantom wanker ...but even after all this nothing could prepare me for the smell of some of the toilets I faced on this trek...

I thank the god who made vicks vapour rub as otherwise entering the school toilet would have been impossible.. apart from 15 school children running into the toilets to watch you wee ... luckily they didn't see my arse as it's so white it may have scared them for life.. we were faced with drop pits with stand over holes and some of those kids had not been good aims... vicks under the nose may burn but its worth it!! I will now take it on every trip .. as well as vaseline...

On one of the last days I entered a tourist toilet that had a duvet covering the entrance. Not only was it acting as a door but it was keeping the warmth in as it was slightly chilly. This was also in the park that had a sign saying it was the most romantic park in the area.... believe me when I say if that was true you would not want to see the most unromantic park in that area. Maybe that is what they use to help keep the population down.... that and one condom in a room...

ahh yes.. the duvet.. a door and keeping the warmth in. When I pulled back the duvet I realised that it had probably been keeping the smell in since last season and quite possibly since the Mongol hoards themselves came over the hills looking for a place to pee and hook up in a nice little romantic area...

I almost lost an eyebrow and momentarily went blind when the first gust of toilet air hit me... those that went later on said it was ok so I feel like the person who first smelt the air of the Pharaohs tombs but hopefully I wont die in the curse of the Chinese toilet.. I was just glad I had gone easy on the spam that afternoon.... spam?? don't worry .. I will tell all later.. I just want to tease ...
The toilets themselves were clean but I was so dazed I didn't know if the foam in them was mold or a cleaning fluid...

I have never been to a country that advertises 4 star toilets... and lies.. 4 star!?!! from whom?? One toilet was nothing more than a bin liner placed into and over the top of the toilet bowl itself.. Portaloos are luxury compared to this.. I just kept thinking that some person has to empty this... this toilet by the way is near the zip slide so it is a main tourist toilet .. as the film Kenny states " It has a smell that will outlast religion..." or something...

Despite many options I decided I would pee au naturel ... toilet roll and scented nappy bag in hand (well in rucksack far away from the kendal mint cake) off I went along the wall.

Often in the distance a bare arse would be seen on part of the wall with the cry of "sorry ladies I cant stop peeing" and we once made a hawker man wish he had never popped his head through a tower as he spotted 4 ladies squatting.. he looked shocked and we never even bought a coffee from him....

Others used the she-pee and gained a new understanding when men say that its difficult to aim correctly.. Others used a travel John and just what those poor Chinese people will think when they find a large plastic bag thing with solidified urine and crystals in their bins I have no idea...

Luckily I didn't break the toilet... unlike my mate who deserved the nickname of Harpic as a plunger was often to be found outside her room and she became an expert in miming that the toilet was broken and IN NO INSTANCE was the lid to be lifted.. unfortunately they never understood her and lifted the lid anyway ....

Harpic not a bad nickname seeing that mine was Hogan... the glam one was High Society so I think she wins on those...

So yes - toilets. Grim. The guys even had a name for the necessities of life on the wall... honouring the great God Bum-Rah.. they advised us that they made daily offerings at her white temple and offered sacrifices in nature to ensure the safety of the group.

It may just have worked as none of us hurt ourselves..

The Wall

Before I get onto when and where it started to get fun, and when I ended up looking like Hulk Hogan but a damn sight more terrifying, a few words need to be said on the wall.

You can read a lot of books, have the talk, see the museum and look at as many photos as time allows but nothing can prepare you for its splendour and size. Its very humbling to have walked for hours and to see the zig zagging of the wall all around you. I was close to tears and I wasn't even pre-menstrual (but I had eaten some kendal mint cake.. it does odd things to you). U cant quite grasp the complexity of the construction, the work that went into building it, the labours and loves and life and death that it must have seen..not to mention the sweaty arses of many groups hauling themselves up it.

The people seem to be part of the wall too.. it's in their hearts as well as their homes - they are proud of it. I really liked the Chinese people we met. They were warm, funny, friendly and welcoming... well except the farmer with the axe that kept us hostage for 30 minutes on a ledge....

I don't think I am the only person who has gazed on the wall and tried to express the emotions they are feeling. To wonder what they can say that can even give the slightest hint of the power, beauty, colour and immensity of the zig zagging dragons back. To have taken a deep breath and to nodding heads in agreement uttered the only words possible ..... " Fuck me"

Firewater

That night we were introduced to firewater.. I didn't taste it as I have once had a bad experience on such strong stuff... although you may not believe it...I have forgotten what proof it was - possibly about 85% -but supposedly with coca cola and after your oesophagus has dissolved it tastes quite nice.

I myself stayed on the delightful Chinese red that was sold for the bargain of £10 a bottle.. it was a beautiful vintage and the fact that we drank it out of hello Kitty plastic cups just added to the experience....

If I had known what day 2 had in store I would not have had the cuppa tea and downed the firewater and took a supply with me...

up the rear....

All groups no matter what size split off into smaller groups.. you have the healthy, fast paced people at the front, those in the middle pacing themselves and then those at the back.... who are also pacing themselves and could set off a trot if poked with a sharp stick but chose not to ....they may not be the fastest but believe me they know how to have fun!!

Guess what group I was in?

I dont like steps.I dont have the best knees and due to some nasty falls in the Lakes I am nevous about going down slopes with loose stones and scree.. in hindsight I must have been mad to do this Trek.. it was all my fears and insecurities in one place...on reflection it was the best thing I could have done.

Steps,steps and more steps... up and down .. up and down.. and it was warm. One of our Chinese guides Peter was told that this was the first time he would not hear English women talking .. as we were too out of breath and knackered!!

The steps are all different sizes.. some were mid thigh level and some small... I misjudged one step downhill and almost fell headfirst down the rest... from then onwards cries of "big step Karen" were shouted to me as a warning...Infact "fucking big step" was often a cry coming from the back group. Luckily we also had the doctor with us at the back... taking it up the rear slowly with Dr D was one of the funniest phrases of the day.

I found the first day tough, I was tired, nothing could have prepared me for these steps and it was steep!! However, I soon realised it was not a race, no prize for first, no prize for last as it was wisely said.

And so the fellowship of the rear began....

Day 1 Trekking

Ok - I know that I have got soft in my old age and through living in the South but that night it was COLD!!! I put my sleeping bag over my duvet to keep me warm... I was also sharing a room with a lady who managed to colour coordinate her thermals in the dark.. that is what you call a super power...

Toady the plan was to get to the part of the wall that would be our starting point and then do a gentle walk in the afternoon. To get us started and to give us an idea of what the trek would be like....although its not as though we could go back at this stage....

We had been warned that the rooms would be basic but they were far better than I had imagined although you couldnt stand directly on the tile floor unless you had feet like a hobbit and could take that level of cold, numb pain...

We could actually see part of the wall from our rooms which just increased the entire level of excitement and nerves.. I had been lent a walking pole a few days before I set off. I have never used one before and I can honestly say I felt so much love and appreciation towards that pole by the end of the trek that I could have maried it.. However at this point I didnt even know how to use it let alone how to walk, what to carry with me etc...

And so like Frodo I set off in the afternoon with my fellow trekkers to go up a part of the wall on a big adventure... I did think I was hallucinating at the end of it when I saw a tethered camel....but no .. that was real...part of the joy of China is the unexpected...and that is before you hit the tequila and fire water...

Off we go..

Sitting on the floor in Munich airport surrounded by the nutters I had to advise my mate what we were waiting to board ... not to be boarded.. although that may have made the delay go a bit quicker..... Although the man that drove his bike through the middle of us made a good distraction

Food is always interesting on flights, especially breakfast... do you stick with the standard eggs or should you be a bit daring and try the rice type breakfasts... I did that on the way back from Oz and I would rather poke out my eyes with a stick than have the salty sludge concoction I had to eat ..

At least I was given the option to chose eggs over noodles.. another member of the group was asked his breakfast choice and didn't quite catch the options and asked " could you repeat?". The stewardess looked disdainfully and said "Western" and slapped the egg tray on his table....

I know my passport photo does not look like me.. I look like a blonde Korean ..... but I have never had to argue that it was me at passport control. Another trekker got told " you looked better blonde" when she got handed back her passport... the charmers!!

I wont do a tourist guide but the hotel was great and certainly had the best breakfast. The brace position shown in the lift, incase of emergencies, however was hysterical. If I am ever caught in that position in a lift it will be for a totally different reason but I may try and use " I was bracing myself, your Honour" as an excuse.

Chinese beds are hard!!! HARD!!! The supplies in the bathroom also include one condom...this of course is now in my flat... I may yet give it as a pressie...

I also loved the glass partition for the bathroom .. not much point really even having it unless you want to shower in the dark... great for couples.. quite funny for sharers....

That night we all met for the first time, chatted, had some drinks and found out what we had agreed to. I wish I had brought back a bottle of " Great Wall of China " Red wine as it was bloody awful but after a few glasses, and knowing there was no other option, it becomes quite palatable... especially when dropped into the soup bowl by accident..

I am not sure if the hotel or other guests had ever seen a group of westerners doing the locamotion around a hotel lobby or crawl across the floor of a karaoke bar whilst singing " these boots are made for walking" and by the open mouths I am sure that they may not ever want to see it again....

In the beginning .....

I decided to get a local cab to the airport with a driver who was not too sure where Heathrow actually was. After an interesting journey I was dropped off in a mild state of stress.....I must have been in a state as I booked him for the return journey... but more on that later...

I did not want to go to China at all....not at all.. I mostly packed that morning in a state of thinking why/what the hell/how much snow.. oh God.. its too late to back out now...

Name badges had been suggested for the airport so we would know the group, with a prize for the best ... in one of my versions of hell I will have to wear a name badge and tell a group of strangers about myself(on my first night I had to tell the group what my best achievement was in my life.. my response was that I still had all my own teeth..)

Personally, I had hoped I would know who the other trekkers they were by the big bloody rucksacks they were carrying...and the look of WTF on their faces...

I seemed to have one of the biggest bags of the entire group which worried me...I didnt think my knickers were that big.

I have underfloor storage in my new flat and had put this bag there by accident. I didnt want to jump down into my Fritzl cellar incase I could not get back out so I leant over the hatch into the entrance and used a soup ladle to grab the bag handle and pull it out.. If I had fell head first into the "cellar" I dont think I would ever have lived it down..

So we met, got our tickets and boarded the plan... I can honestly say that first impressions can often be wrong ....very wrong.

We were delayed in Munich and so rested on the airport floor. As I looked around I thought to myself " what an odd bunch.. ah well its only 10 days".

They must have thought the same of me...

I was so wrong! I feel lucky to have taken part on this trek and to have met the others. I had one of the best experiences of my life even though it was not the trek I expected...

I also laughed more than I have in a long time.. and for those who know me - that is a lot!!

C Day

and it stands for China before I get any comments..

And yes , it’s different that an F Day. In a very funny discussion with my old boss we were discussing my love life. He advised that if I ever pulled and was shattered after a night of best sex ever, or even had a chance to have some during that day, as long as I had the nerve to ring up and request an F day he would give it to me as an extra holiday .. and if you don’t know what the F stands for then you need one more than I did at that point ...

Did I ever take one.. well.. that's another story..

I leave for China on Friday, I haven't packed, finished my washing, unpacking and I have yet to get my jabs. So all I can do when I asked if I am ready is smile sweetly and then panic inside...

A bottle of white wine really does help if you are feeling nervous as you soon don’t feel very much especially from the knees down. Why is it that you get drunk from legs upwards??

I look like a walking advert for Craghoppers crossed with a stuffed sausage as I have so many layers on. It won’t be a glamorous walk as far as I am concerned but at least we no longer have snow!!

Spare a thought for my knees from Sunday onwards and I will do the blog warts and all..
(I can’t find any marabou slippers.. well I can but £60 for walking the wall and no one to appreciate when I get home is far too much... and I can fall down my home stairs in socks so heels may not be a sexy look..)

Also, after the series of reports in the Evening Standard about poverty in London and the conditions that some children are growing up in it really does send the message clear on why I am also doing this.. Apart from the personal challenge I will be helping to raising money for kids that are not only ill or homeless but poor, abused, have limited opportunities and seem to be forgotten by many. The money will help improve their life through grass root projects. When you read about the Islington children’s pauper graves ( 6-8 to a grave) it makes you really sad.

So Thank You! From me and from Have a Heart for being really generous. Thank you to everyone that has made donations and supported me and told me that I am mad.

Now Feck Off and let me get back to my packing
Xx

http://www.doitforcharity.com/karentreksthegreatwall

Daft as a brush

Its 9 days until China. They are having freak snow and its looks bloody freezing.

I am terrfied, nervous and excited in equal measures... I know I will love it and have an amazing experience but this will make it all the tougher.

So if anyone has any x-men type talents with the weather can you have a word? I dont mind cold and sunny but no snow if possible....

This weekend will be spent in a state of panic doing last minute things like jabs etc.. yes - I know... and also trying to find half of my belongings from my house move.

In another moment of madness, after a bottle of wine, I have signed up to do the 10 10 10 Chicago Marathon. I don't even run for the bus and would probably jog to get George Clooney's attention so its an even bigger challenge..

Watch this space.. new blog " Bottle of wine and a morning run"??

Ethnic!?!

I just had to share this as I went to Streatham Common Sainsbury's last night for some food. I was having a wander around and remembering why I do on-line shopping normally .. people are just so oblivious and rude.. it's like the cry for the last ten minutes on earth has been called and people are desperate to stock up on loo rolls and sugar..

I saw an aisle that said " Ethnic Food" and amongst some great hot spicy sauces and polish products was a packet of .. yes.. have you guessed

Yorkshire Tea Bags....

I am from Lancashire so I understand that Yorkshire lads and lasses can be a bit odd but Ethnic???

I bought a packet ... I mean I like to broaden my horizons with new exotic foods. I will be looking for Eccles Cakes there next week....

Pie Week!

This is British Pie week... not that anyone would know as I cant believe it hasnt been in the papers...

So go out and eat that pie and feel no guilt at all.. make one and eat it all ... Pie eaters of the world unite...

It's ok - I think I am still in shock as just seen how much snowfall they have had on the Great Wall of China.....Its scarey ..and cold

Maybe I should just put a warm pie under each armpit?


Promises and Pie crust are made to be broken"
JONATHAN SWIFT

Alternative training

I move house in the morning and today my extensive training has consisted of eating a large donut from Patisserie Valerie

Its soooo good. Its the same size as a small child's head and it's now in my stomach

I just had to confess... and I know I will have another ...but just not today

Only in Oz!!

I got a lot of comments after my posts on gym gear and the running slow brigade....
This is from my mate from Oz and I dont yet think I can beat it !!!

"Talking about gyms, at one I used to attend a very frugal, overweight, middle aged man used to save on washing by wearing his white business shirt, saved on time and money shopping at a sports shop by tying a tea towel around his head, and using gardening gloves in the gym. He actually did invest in some shorts, but if I remember correctly, I think he also wore his work shoes."

He used to also huff and puff trying to use weights on the machines that were way too heavy for him so his technique was non-existent and I used to move away from him as I could see the clock ticking for the heart attack."

Love it - I 'm off to buy a tea towel!!!

ssshhh please dont wake me I'm on the treadmill

I know that today I don't have lots of energy. Infact I would go as far to say that I am knackered and could curl up in a little ball and have lots of dreams and dribble a bit. It’s probably because of the weather, the fact that I am trying to move, its 16 days until China and because I am in that sort of mood.

It’s terrible how guilty you can feel when you don’t go to the gym. It's worse than sitting in a confessional box as you don’t even get the chance to say an act of contrition to absolve you of all guilt until the next time you go. It’s just the guilt. I ate a big block of chocolate and I have not moved my arse from this chair guilt. The type that makes you worried as really you shouldn’t give a shit as the world won’t stop tilting on its axis. Just that your arse will expand...

I understand now why gym can be addictive. You really do feel good after a workout. You do have the burn and the post workout glow and that inner smiley feeling that it's ok to eat whatever you want " as you are burning it off". I never thought I would say this but I now love exercise. I'm not saying I'm brilliant just that I like pushing myself and seeing how I can improve. I feel guilty on days like today when I want to exercise harder but I feel so weak and tired I know that it’s pointless. My body needs some rest so I must obey.

Maybe this is why I get so frustrated when I see some people on machines that must have nothing else to spend their membership on!! And they are usually the skinniest ones!

I have seen someone going so slow on a bike that the display failed to recognise the movements. She was slumped over the side of the handles on the seated recliner and if she had gone any slower she would have stopped. The women using the lightest free weights so that they could sit and chat on the swiss balls. The lady who just stands on the powerplate (if she sat and smiled that would be another story). I have also seen a woman read a newspaper on a bike and almost fall off it every time she turned the sheet.

I am the last one to say that you must workout hard but why spend money on a gym just so you can say that you go 3 times a week for the status of it? I also don’t understand why the instructors won’t always come and help - maybe they can’t? I have seen one open mouthed at a South London gym so maybe they can’t actually say anything without being accused of harassment?

However, some people don’t know how to use anything in a health environment. I remember at a well known Canary Wharf gym a woman clad in a green thong bikini with sweat pouring off her kept telling my group of open mouthed friends in the sauna "OMG its sooooooo hot" as she threw buckets of water on the hot coals ...... I came out a size 8….

Today, I am tired but will have done 2.5 hours of exercise… oohh Pizza??

Forgive me Father for I have sinned .. and it was damn good with extra cheese and chillies

The year of being 40

Maybe it’s because I turn 40 this year... maybe it’s because I have finally lost it or if honest stopped caring about having it in the first place...

I have decided that this year is the year of Karen. The year when I put myself first and do things that I want to do even if I am scared, nervous or frightened. I know that sometimes I care more about what other people think than I care to admit and I am a damn more sensitive than people think.. and far too sensitive for a Northerner! But this is the year that I hope to say sod it and do it anyway. If it all goes wrong think of the stories for this blog.

My view is that if you don’t think you can do something then you won’t do it..because you will have never tried. Fear, mostly of what other people think, will take over..

So its the year of living, having fun, saying what I think, taking chances and of course please remind me I said this when I forget .. well I am turning 40.

I remember laughing at another lady who said she is just glad that at 40 she doesn’t pee herself when she laughs.. she doesn’t even need tena lady light. I stopped laughing when I realised that if my bladder ever weakens I laugh so much that I will need to constantly wear wellies .. Pilates anyone?

(I did originally type willies which has just made me laugh out loud.. wouldn’t be too bad eh...)

I think that turning 40 is one of the reasons why I am doing this Trek. I leave in less than 3 weeks, and I am really nervous. Will I do it? Will I fall on my arse down a slope taking someone with me in the process? Will I enjoy it? How much will my knees ache? I know I will love it and do the best that I can but the worries are still there ...

So maybe this is why I have just agreed to and paid for a beginners burlesque course. Not too bad I thought until I got the list through of what I will need. So apart from blister plasters and deep heat I will be looking for nipple tassels this weekend.

The course starts on my return from China so my sexy walk may be a painful hobble. The mental picture of me placing my leg elegantly on a chair to peel off a stocking is one that sees me lifting my own leg with both hands, making those "oompfh" sounds that you do when you get older and then having a rest when the stocking snags on my hobbit feet…

Dita Von Tease? More like Karen Fucked Knees…..

So yes... nipple tassles. long gloves, stockings and heels..... maybe a few days after 120k on the Great Wall was not such a great idea. But at least it will give my mate a laugh and you never know.. I could end up being bloody good at it ..though I think with what God gave me I may have to go gentle on the tassel twirling to make sure I don’t break any HSSE laws....

Ayup Spy

I have been told that I would make a terrible spy.

Well - I am not exactly subtle and I do have a laugh that could grate concrete and ok.. I'm clumsy, messy and noisey.....but wouldnt that make me a brilliant spy?

Who would suspect me? All spy's are sincere and stoney faced and very very serious.. well apart from Austin Powers but I do have better teeth ... maybe we need some who are funny, witty, clumsy and can laugh their way out of a situation??

Possible titles?
The Pie who loved me
The lass with the chip barm
From Blackpool with Love

And, of course, for any Chinese officials reading.. I am just a clumsy Northern lass

Work out or make out ??

Some people really make an effort to go to the gym. As I have said before I am not one of them … At 5.30 am I can barely look at myself let alone wonder if I am coordinated. The only hot look I manage is that of woman with a face like a baked cherry tomato.

A few women.. and men… at the gym really do look amazing and a few others look downright terrifying.. I hope that I look in between although I am sure that sometimes I look like the latter.

In some gyms it’s about looking good before you exercise. I have seen women do their hair and makeup before going to the gym floor. Personally, I always hope that I don’t meet anyone’s eye or see anyone I know !! But I am going to workout and not to make out …although of course I am always open to offers…

Gym attire?? I have seen the twins in their matching outfits complete with sequins, the lady who runs in a bra and running trousers rolled down so low over her hip bones that I know she has a good relationship with her waxer, the woman who decides that she doesn’t need to wear a sports bra, the man with hungry shorts that end totally up his arse crack as he runs and the bloke who doesn’t wear underwear in a yoga class and dangles his balls out the left hand side of his shorts….

I have also never forgotten the sight of the rather large man in tight cycle shorts that left nothing to the imagination. I was glad to be wearing glasses as I could have lost an eye. At one point during the class when he bent over infront of me I am sure that time actually stopped.

Some changing rooms are also interesting places. I remember at my old gym I had never seen such levels of flamboyant nakedness and I don’t think I am a prude. Naked ironing, legs up on mirrored counters to apply body lotion allowing the rest of us to see parts that maybe should be kept private. It was like a competition on who can be the most naked ever. I lost.

Luckily at my current local gym there is really wonderful friendly vibe. It really is more about what you are doing than who you could do. I don’t feel judged in what I wear and most of the outfits are similar to mine. Yes.. I know!

Lots of fun, training hints and they don’t even laugh too hard when I am so tired that I tell someone I am training for the “Grand National”….

Its gear Gym but not as we know it

I think I dress for the gym as well as any woman who wakes at 5.30am to get there. My Motto is “ if it’s clean, its coordinated”.. let’s not push what my definition of clean is either as that stretches from freshly washed , to not too smelly but certainly not one something that could be used as part of the Saw attraction at Thorpe Park!

I read the article with a mixture of disbelief and amusement yesterday.. is this really what it has come to for Theme Parks…. ??

I mean I got excited on the “Grand National” and the “Big Dipper” at Blackpool without the need for a marketed “signature stench”. Thinking back maybe it would have been sweat, lager and vomit mixed with the waft of popcorn after Scotch week…

On Friday Thorpe Park are holding a contest and a £500 cash prize for the most pungent-smelling urine which will then be used alongside other smells in the maze. Why pay £500? I’ve been down a few alleys in London (no comments please) and the stench from stale urine almost made me lose an eyebrow…

They could just wander around London collecting smells and then give the money to charity. It’s not as though you couldn’t find any samples, just hang about the pubs, hell.. I even saw a man in a suit whip it out and pee against the “Britain at War” building in London Bridge at 8.30am one morning. Well… I did also see a discarded pair of black lacy knickers (not mine) outside the Pret at London Bridge too so maybe it’s just that area… or maybe it’s just me?

However, it will be great publicity. I bet someone who wins this will be really proud. I don’t envy entertainments manager Laura Sinclair who is choosing the winning sample

She said: "We want SAW Alive to be as authentic and terrifying as possible to make visitors feel as if they are living in a real-life horror film. To do this we need to really push the boundaries of what our guest experience from a sensory point of view. “

Suggestion – how about Thorpe Park doing the experience of a packed Jubilee line to Canary Wharf on a hot August morning???

Anyway – back to gym gear … Ok maybe later

Stairs.. the toughest challenge?

I know I can't be alone in this....

I have built myself up to an hour on the stepper. I have coped with the boredom, the pain... and the laughter from a work colleague who came to check if I had accidentally glued my feet to the stepper and needed assistance....

So why did three flights of stairs at work this morning have me gasping for breath and reaching for oxygen??

Maybe this lunchtime I should just walk up and down the stairs for my training. It could be interesting as I am known for being clumsy and have already gone down a flight on my arse in December...

Stairs.. the greatest challenge ?? Or Just the subconscious way of your body saying "No, turn back" when it thinks of work....

Think on this question.. the answer is yes." And so it began.

This was the second time I had been asked to take part in the charity trek along the Great Wall of China and for some reason this time I said " Yes". Out of my comfort zone?? That is putting it mildly... I am not known as a gym bunny. I was built for comfort, not for speed.. and sure as hell not built for doing 120k in 6 days unless on a bus... But it will be done and I do know that I will be done with lots of Northern humour, a few swear words, chocolate and sore knees.....

Due to a fellow blogger I have agreed to do some of it in marabou fur slippers, a negligee and promised photos. I will be wearing something underneath so it won't be for the strong stomached!! I will put other photos up but maybe not my visa one as I look like a giant head plonked on top of a green coat.

4 weeks to go until China so this blog is starting as promised.. the musings, ramblings and even rantings of a Northern Pie Eater, as she attempts to fall in love with the step machine, find a negligee and her pelvic floor muscles through pilates...