Heavens Ladder and the Hogan

As I said in the last blog, before the ice and after the ice seems a bit of a blur... after the constant .. "it's clear round the corner" from Peter our guide for about 30 minutes we did actually come to a path that has less ice on it ... Peter hadn't lied .. he just hadn’t told us what corner..

In front of us were rough stone steps that had been hewn out of the mountain side that led up almost vertically to the top. There was a handrail and we did stop for pics at the picnic area at the bottom but we all look worn out and knackered. By this point we had also officially become the back group.. award winning motivators and having the most fun possible whilst slipping all over the place. And so we approached heavens ladder. 200 plus steps.. hmmmmm

200 plus.. since when does 308 steps count as 200plus??

In that case I am a size 8 plus...

As a group we walked the steps together, ten steps and then a rest, ten steps and then a rest, with cries of “big step Karen” all the way.. we saw the end in sight and rejoiced, we felt proud, we had done it !! and soon we could stop and have some food and a drink and ..

WTF!!!

Yes, at the top of Heaven's Ladder stood a group of Chinese workmen with a bloody great bit of machinery... I would love to say that they did a Paul Daniel's and majicked it up there but no... I don't think they did...

They looked at us in a way that cannot be captured in words... with fags hanging out of mouths.. we must have looked a picture..

After more steps we came to the resting spot we had lunch and I experienced what can only be described as a spam experience..but more on that later…

I emerged from the bracken to be greeted by the shocked face of Harpic who took one look at my new red head scarf and sun glasses combo and commented

"Fuck me. With that headscarf you look like Hulk Hogan. All you need is the fucking yellow shorts and the tash now"..

Sadly, she was right as I have actually seen a picture of Hogan in an identical red head scarf and sadly he looked a damn sight fresher than I did it in at that moment... but I don’t think he ever appreciated it as much as I did.

And so that is how I became known as Hogan for the trek, Harpic, Hogan and High Society...

Challenge Anneka - Ice and Arse...

I am sure that Anneka Rice's bum was far better looking than mine from behind.. no .. let me state that again.. I know it was better...

By the end of day 2 my arse was covered in mud.. my trousers had a hole in the bottom from being speared by a walking pole.. probably my own in fear.. and that delightful view was in most photos to the extent it was named " the Arse of China"... I was also called the arsehole of China but I think that was in error after a stressful day.. But I still love you .. my care in the community helper...

I think a day can be viewed by how many photos were taken and by the number of quotes. I took none I was too terrified to stop and take off my bag. The trek also started with a discussion on sexuality and same sex relationships .. she may have been tired or may have had a valid point when one of the group commented that she thought all men had homicidal tendencies......

Day 2 ....Ice, scree, drops,mud, tears, falls, dust and wind... although the latter was mostly from Harpic after she slipped off the ledge with a cry of " I can't die, I haven't had children" and was swiftly caught ... Remember, when you catch someone and "save their lives" they may in return be ever grateful or just fart on you ...

I can't even remember the early part of the day .. I know we set out and walked to the same route we had done the previous day .. we warmed up like pros and I managed not to fall over whilst balancing on one leg and I think I looked damned good with the hip swivels...I know we went up more steps...we laughed, we went along a ledge similar to Hellvellyn with a ledge and sheer drops either side... that we ambled along some very narrow paths that snaked along the contours of the wall..

Nothing that we had thought, not a lot of walking ON the wall but it was so beautiful...We knew that this was going to be one of the longest days for walking and also one of the most challenging.. finished off by a night in a local homestay....

We were all nervous about Heaven's Ladder and the 200plus steps carved into the rock that we would need to trudge up.

Then came the ice.

The sunshine left us and we were on a sheltered narrow path that was totally ice bound.. On one side of the wall were bricks and bracken, on the other a steep slope with trees and more bracken. If you slipped off the ledge and down it apart from the fear you probably would have hurt yourself or at least damaged some tree stumps!! And then have to get back up the slope and carry on.

We took it very slow with the leaders and guides helping us along. I think the reason that the group bonded and got on so well so down to this day. You have to help and motivate each other. Everyone has different fears and sometimes you lose your fears by helping others who are more fearful than you .. well at least this is what they told me...

The trick to going along the path was to grab a handful of bracken in the left hand and hold it until you could find a footing on the right side of the path, usually a dead tree stump, then move your left leg to find footing and then repeat. Any branches that you could find could be passed to the next person behind you and so on....

Unfortunately every ***** branch bit of bracken I grabbed I managed to pull out of the wall.. It had survived thousands of years and then a Northerner was managing to destroy it in minutes.. I wasn't the only person who had managed to destroy the wall.. Harpic had been doing the same in the group ahead and I think that out joint swearing must have been heard in space.

My hair was all over the place and I was getting a bit sweaty as nervous if honest .. I HATE waking on Ice .. I am clumsy .. its not a good combination.

This is the part when I turn into Hogan and Sandra lent me a red headscarf that kept my hair away and all tucked up .. it was a life saver...I still have it and I will give it back at the reunion but every time I see it it just makes me smile.

And so we went on this way for what seemed like an eternity.. walking slowly on the ice, pulling the wall apart and slipping all over the place. I also rant, laugh and talk to myself when I am scared.... The time to be worried is when I am silent... like I said.. care in the community....

We were all concerned that we would lose our poles which were life savers as they helped us find extra stability and we could wedge them under our feet to make sure we slipped less. A word went round from the tour leaders to remind us to make sure we had our hand in the pole strap so that if we did slip we would not lose our poles down the slope.

Janet yelled over to me ," Karen , are you wearing your strap on"
"No" I cried " would it have helped?

Laughter and ice do not go together at all.. but if you are going to slip over a ledge I hope it is to the chorus of laughter and giggles. Ladies at the back, I have never laughed so much whilst being so scared..

One of our Chinese guides Peter was one of the funniest men I have met in a long time. If you asked him a question he would often give a Peter answer " how far away is it Peter" " 4 Minutes Karen".... after half an hour you would realise he meant a Chinese 4 minutes ....

Peter was guiding another lovely Sandra on where to put her feet on the slope with a cry of "here safe".. " this bit safe too" . I just followed his advice and hoped for the best.

We came to one bit that was steep and, apart from being covered in ice had very little to use to help pull yourself along. On some bits of the trek we had to remind Andy that he was well over 6 foot and we had hobbit legs. I could see the safe space he was pointing out but I just didn't know if my right leg could possibly jump that far to the tree stump without me ending up doing a move that Torvill and Dean would have been proud of. I did make the jump one time and then realised I didn't have a clue in hell what I was going to do with the other leg... it wasn't the last time that day I ranted on how I could only find space for one leg....

So there we are looking at this bare slope and then looking at each other and then we looked expectantly at Peter, hoping for guidance, motivation , encouragement.... he shrugged and shouted

"Nowhere safe... go where you can!!"

I was passed down a large tree branch from the top of the slope to help haul myself up. I was so confused it took a while to realise that the branch was between my legs and I er.. had nowhere else to go...
Yes, I had to go back down the ****ing slope and start again....

My hands by the way were scratched to hell.. yes.. I did have gloves but they were in my back pack.. with my camera...

And so we made it through the ice.My fellow trekkers were amazing, I was helped, cajoled and at one point had someones hand on my arse giving me a push when I started to slip backwards...

Corporations in the city.. eat your heart out .. this is only something you could dream about for team building events...

The fellowship on the wall had faced its first perils ... but the day had barely started....

I HEART Vaseline

yes... yes.. I know its petroleum based and all the rest and I will try to find a non oil based product next time ... but

VASELINE IS AMAZING!!

There, it has been said. A wise woman told me to smother my feet in Vaseline and then put sock liners on and then put on my walking socks as this would prevent blisters.

Not only did this work but my feet were in better condition at the end of the trek than they were at the beginning ....it's fantastic!!

Although having a super sized jar of it on your bedside table can leave you open to comments.....

" OOh I bet your feet are soft".....

4 Star Toilets, 5 star smell or to pee or not to pee.. that is the question...

Chinese toilets....

I have lived and worked in Greece so I am used to putting paper in the bin not down the loo itself.. I have even cleaned out those bins when we were busy at work and I have cursed the guests who used as I have seen some things that could frighten a mongoose ... and dealt with a case of the phantom wanker ...but even after all this nothing could prepare me for the smell of some of the toilets I faced on this trek...

I thank the god who made vicks vapour rub as otherwise entering the school toilet would have been impossible.. apart from 15 school children running into the toilets to watch you wee ... luckily they didn't see my arse as it's so white it may have scared them for life.. we were faced with drop pits with stand over holes and some of those kids had not been good aims... vicks under the nose may burn but its worth it!! I will now take it on every trip .. as well as vaseline...

On one of the last days I entered a tourist toilet that had a duvet covering the entrance. Not only was it acting as a door but it was keeping the warmth in as it was slightly chilly. This was also in the park that had a sign saying it was the most romantic park in the area.... believe me when I say if that was true you would not want to see the most unromantic park in that area. Maybe that is what they use to help keep the population down.... that and one condom in a room...

ahh yes.. the duvet.. a door and keeping the warmth in. When I pulled back the duvet I realised that it had probably been keeping the smell in since last season and quite possibly since the Mongol hoards themselves came over the hills looking for a place to pee and hook up in a nice little romantic area...

I almost lost an eyebrow and momentarily went blind when the first gust of toilet air hit me... those that went later on said it was ok so I feel like the person who first smelt the air of the Pharaohs tombs but hopefully I wont die in the curse of the Chinese toilet.. I was just glad I had gone easy on the spam that afternoon.... spam?? don't worry .. I will tell all later.. I just want to tease ...
The toilets themselves were clean but I was so dazed I didn't know if the foam in them was mold or a cleaning fluid...

I have never been to a country that advertises 4 star toilets... and lies.. 4 star!?!! from whom?? One toilet was nothing more than a bin liner placed into and over the top of the toilet bowl itself.. Portaloos are luxury compared to this.. I just kept thinking that some person has to empty this... this toilet by the way is near the zip slide so it is a main tourist toilet .. as the film Kenny states " It has a smell that will outlast religion..." or something...

Despite many options I decided I would pee au naturel ... toilet roll and scented nappy bag in hand (well in rucksack far away from the kendal mint cake) off I went along the wall.

Often in the distance a bare arse would be seen on part of the wall with the cry of "sorry ladies I cant stop peeing" and we once made a hawker man wish he had never popped his head through a tower as he spotted 4 ladies squatting.. he looked shocked and we never even bought a coffee from him....

Others used the she-pee and gained a new understanding when men say that its difficult to aim correctly.. Others used a travel John and just what those poor Chinese people will think when they find a large plastic bag thing with solidified urine and crystals in their bins I have no idea...

Luckily I didn't break the toilet... unlike my mate who deserved the nickname of Harpic as a plunger was often to be found outside her room and she became an expert in miming that the toilet was broken and IN NO INSTANCE was the lid to be lifted.. unfortunately they never understood her and lifted the lid anyway ....

Harpic not a bad nickname seeing that mine was Hogan... the glam one was High Society so I think she wins on those...

So yes - toilets. Grim. The guys even had a name for the necessities of life on the wall... honouring the great God Bum-Rah.. they advised us that they made daily offerings at her white temple and offered sacrifices in nature to ensure the safety of the group.

It may just have worked as none of us hurt ourselves..

The Wall

Before I get onto when and where it started to get fun, and when I ended up looking like Hulk Hogan but a damn sight more terrifying, a few words need to be said on the wall.

You can read a lot of books, have the talk, see the museum and look at as many photos as time allows but nothing can prepare you for its splendour and size. Its very humbling to have walked for hours and to see the zig zagging of the wall all around you. I was close to tears and I wasn't even pre-menstrual (but I had eaten some kendal mint cake.. it does odd things to you). U cant quite grasp the complexity of the construction, the work that went into building it, the labours and loves and life and death that it must have seen..not to mention the sweaty arses of many groups hauling themselves up it.

The people seem to be part of the wall too.. it's in their hearts as well as their homes - they are proud of it. I really liked the Chinese people we met. They were warm, funny, friendly and welcoming... well except the farmer with the axe that kept us hostage for 30 minutes on a ledge....

I don't think I am the only person who has gazed on the wall and tried to express the emotions they are feeling. To wonder what they can say that can even give the slightest hint of the power, beauty, colour and immensity of the zig zagging dragons back. To have taken a deep breath and to nodding heads in agreement uttered the only words possible ..... " Fuck me"

Firewater

That night we were introduced to firewater.. I didn't taste it as I have once had a bad experience on such strong stuff... although you may not believe it...I have forgotten what proof it was - possibly about 85% -but supposedly with coca cola and after your oesophagus has dissolved it tastes quite nice.

I myself stayed on the delightful Chinese red that was sold for the bargain of £10 a bottle.. it was a beautiful vintage and the fact that we drank it out of hello Kitty plastic cups just added to the experience....

If I had known what day 2 had in store I would not have had the cuppa tea and downed the firewater and took a supply with me...

up the rear....

All groups no matter what size split off into smaller groups.. you have the healthy, fast paced people at the front, those in the middle pacing themselves and then those at the back.... who are also pacing themselves and could set off a trot if poked with a sharp stick but chose not to ....they may not be the fastest but believe me they know how to have fun!!

Guess what group I was in?

I dont like steps.I dont have the best knees and due to some nasty falls in the Lakes I am nevous about going down slopes with loose stones and scree.. in hindsight I must have been mad to do this Trek.. it was all my fears and insecurities in one place...on reflection it was the best thing I could have done.

Steps,steps and more steps... up and down .. up and down.. and it was warm. One of our Chinese guides Peter was told that this was the first time he would not hear English women talking .. as we were too out of breath and knackered!!

The steps are all different sizes.. some were mid thigh level and some small... I misjudged one step downhill and almost fell headfirst down the rest... from then onwards cries of "big step Karen" were shouted to me as a warning...Infact "fucking big step" was often a cry coming from the back group. Luckily we also had the doctor with us at the back... taking it up the rear slowly with Dr D was one of the funniest phrases of the day.

I found the first day tough, I was tired, nothing could have prepared me for these steps and it was steep!! However, I soon realised it was not a race, no prize for first, no prize for last as it was wisely said.

And so the fellowship of the rear began....

Day 1 Trekking

Ok - I know that I have got soft in my old age and through living in the South but that night it was COLD!!! I put my sleeping bag over my duvet to keep me warm... I was also sharing a room with a lady who managed to colour coordinate her thermals in the dark.. that is what you call a super power...

Toady the plan was to get to the part of the wall that would be our starting point and then do a gentle walk in the afternoon. To get us started and to give us an idea of what the trek would be like....although its not as though we could go back at this stage....

We had been warned that the rooms would be basic but they were far better than I had imagined although you couldnt stand directly on the tile floor unless you had feet like a hobbit and could take that level of cold, numb pain...

We could actually see part of the wall from our rooms which just increased the entire level of excitement and nerves.. I had been lent a walking pole a few days before I set off. I have never used one before and I can honestly say I felt so much love and appreciation towards that pole by the end of the trek that I could have maried it.. However at this point I didnt even know how to use it let alone how to walk, what to carry with me etc...

And so like Frodo I set off in the afternoon with my fellow trekkers to go up a part of the wall on a big adventure... I did think I was hallucinating at the end of it when I saw a tethered camel....but no .. that was real...part of the joy of China is the unexpected...and that is before you hit the tequila and fire water...

Off we go..

Sitting on the floor in Munich airport surrounded by the nutters I had to advise my mate what we were waiting to board ... not to be boarded.. although that may have made the delay go a bit quicker..... Although the man that drove his bike through the middle of us made a good distraction

Food is always interesting on flights, especially breakfast... do you stick with the standard eggs or should you be a bit daring and try the rice type breakfasts... I did that on the way back from Oz and I would rather poke out my eyes with a stick than have the salty sludge concoction I had to eat ..

At least I was given the option to chose eggs over noodles.. another member of the group was asked his breakfast choice and didn't quite catch the options and asked " could you repeat?". The stewardess looked disdainfully and said "Western" and slapped the egg tray on his table....

I know my passport photo does not look like me.. I look like a blonde Korean ..... but I have never had to argue that it was me at passport control. Another trekker got told " you looked better blonde" when she got handed back her passport... the charmers!!

I wont do a tourist guide but the hotel was great and certainly had the best breakfast. The brace position shown in the lift, incase of emergencies, however was hysterical. If I am ever caught in that position in a lift it will be for a totally different reason but I may try and use " I was bracing myself, your Honour" as an excuse.

Chinese beds are hard!!! HARD!!! The supplies in the bathroom also include one condom...this of course is now in my flat... I may yet give it as a pressie...

I also loved the glass partition for the bathroom .. not much point really even having it unless you want to shower in the dark... great for couples.. quite funny for sharers....

That night we all met for the first time, chatted, had some drinks and found out what we had agreed to. I wish I had brought back a bottle of " Great Wall of China " Red wine as it was bloody awful but after a few glasses, and knowing there was no other option, it becomes quite palatable... especially when dropped into the soup bowl by accident..

I am not sure if the hotel or other guests had ever seen a group of westerners doing the locamotion around a hotel lobby or crawl across the floor of a karaoke bar whilst singing " these boots are made for walking" and by the open mouths I am sure that they may not ever want to see it again....

In the beginning .....

I decided to get a local cab to the airport with a driver who was not too sure where Heathrow actually was. After an interesting journey I was dropped off in a mild state of stress.....I must have been in a state as I booked him for the return journey... but more on that later...

I did not want to go to China at all....not at all.. I mostly packed that morning in a state of thinking why/what the hell/how much snow.. oh God.. its too late to back out now...

Name badges had been suggested for the airport so we would know the group, with a prize for the best ... in one of my versions of hell I will have to wear a name badge and tell a group of strangers about myself(on my first night I had to tell the group what my best achievement was in my life.. my response was that I still had all my own teeth..)

Personally, I had hoped I would know who the other trekkers they were by the big bloody rucksacks they were carrying...and the look of WTF on their faces...

I seemed to have one of the biggest bags of the entire group which worried me...I didnt think my knickers were that big.

I have underfloor storage in my new flat and had put this bag there by accident. I didnt want to jump down into my Fritzl cellar incase I could not get back out so I leant over the hatch into the entrance and used a soup ladle to grab the bag handle and pull it out.. If I had fell head first into the "cellar" I dont think I would ever have lived it down..

So we met, got our tickets and boarded the plan... I can honestly say that first impressions can often be wrong ....very wrong.

We were delayed in Munich and so rested on the airport floor. As I looked around I thought to myself " what an odd bunch.. ah well its only 10 days".

They must have thought the same of me...

I was so wrong! I feel lucky to have taken part on this trek and to have met the others. I had one of the best experiences of my life even though it was not the trek I expected...

I also laughed more than I have in a long time.. and for those who know me - that is a lot!!