Thank You!

I just wanted to take the opportunity to say Thank You to everyone who sponsored me and helped me to do the tek. From sponsorship, lending of poles, beards grown to raise money and all the bets!

I couldn't have done it without you.

Thank you again
xxxx

It's been a Hard Rock Night ....

We arrived late and so sat at the front at the Hard Rock Café

Big Mistake

Next thing I know I am on stage.. and then it started.. another fun night indeed! The band were fantastic and had probably never witnessed this level on dancing outside of "You Tube". Thank you Vik!

It was also Earth Hour but we forgot and then wondered if someone had forgot a 50p for the meter

A few of us ended up back at the hotel. A few photos of sleeping guards were taken and we managed to drink a fair few bottles of Great Wall Red before we remembered we had an early start.. Luckily, we had a slice of spam for breakfast that day too.

We firmly established ourselves as back in the western world by having a club sandwich and chips at the airport. To be honest I could not eat at the other restaurant . Call me strange but I just couldn’t eat at the Mingge Oriental …

The flight back will go down as one of the funniest flights I have ever been on in my life. There were no individual screens on the Lufthansa flight and the screens on the plane showed the Invention of Lying and re-runs of 70's Kojak.. oh and a film about some guinea pigs…

German music.. well.. many channels.. no choice…

No much to do really for the Trekkers …..well… apart from have your photo taken with the woman in the hydrating mask, arrange a collection on the flight, get drunk, sleep talk and have a few more drinks…

I arrived back in London to find my cab driver could not find his way to Heathrow and so had to make alternative arrangements. I was not best pleased and more than a little grumpy and tired by this point.

Why is it that you always return to rain??

The fellowship was over, I had made friends for life, I had laughed so much and so hard that I should be able to bounce boiled eggs off my abs (I couldn’t as they were covered in a layer of spam), I had learnt so much and seen a beautiful country and raised money for a wonderful cause.

And due to the Vaseline my feet were in a better condition now then when I started.

Would I do it again ? NO, as it wouldn’t be the same. I think I was very lucky to be in this trek group. So many wonderful characters. I do miss them.

Would I suggest it to others? Hell Yes!

This is one of the best things I have ever done.

The Colonel

I am not one for junk food but I know that from living abroad you crave things that you don’t normally eat when in the UK.

When I lived in Chicago I craved Bird’s custard powder.

My Mum sent me some in the post, unfortunately for me she decided to take it out of the tin and send in a sealed plastic bag along with another sealed plastic bag of Yorkshire pudding mix.

Unfortunately as this was the time of the anthrax scares in the US just after 9/11.. Little packets of white powder being sent through the post in Jiffy Bags….

It took that parcel 3 months to get to me. I still now giggle when I think that there is a possibility that security were analysing the Bird's...

“We don’t know what it is Sir but is turns a yellow not known in the natural world when you add milk…”

I have no idea what they thought of the Yorkshire pudding mix. At least she didn't try and send me a packet of Aunt Bessies.. or some mushy peas.

A diet of rice, veg and spam can become a little monotonous after 10 days and I was craving some “normal“ food. I don’t even know why I say normal. I was just craving something that wasn’t rice.

On the way back to Beijing we saw a KFC. The bags were left and we braved life and limb to cross roads and get to that KFC. It was delicious- I know. But it really was. Even High Society loved her cold chips.

Silence fell across the group of 8 that had made the trek as we ate fried chicken chips and ice cream. A guilty pleasure.. a bit like me having a soft spot for Jeremy Clarkson.. it's wrong.. but you just can't help it...

Vik captured the mood entirely when he stood up and saluted the Colonel.

All that was needed was Birds Custard Powder.

Tourists

It was a sorry group that ended up in Tiananmen square the next day .. well , maybe that was just me. I could not face breakfast and so with warm coat on I went and joined the others to brave the day trip.

We had been warned not to worry if we were stared at. Most of the people in the square would be villagers who had come down for the day to pay their respects to Chairman Mao. I do have a watch with a face of Chairman Mao and the minute hands are of him waving.. it doesn't work anymore but it's brilliant ... Thanks Ric!

The villagers queue up from 6.30 am to see the Tomb and for some reason all wear the same hats to identify themselves as part of a group.

When you first see a group of 30 Chinese tourists all wearing Burberry caps you wonder what the hell was in the tequila and then realise, by the looks on other's faces, that you are either all having a joint hallucination.. or that it is real! Thirty Chinese Chav’s in Burberry…

Those taller than my perfect height just got stared at and pointed. They would look down to see people tugging on their jumpers and asking if they could have their photo taken with the giants. I was not in these photos..

They all loved poor Vik's hair .. he was treated like a rock star.

Looking around it was hard to imagine 1989 and the protests. There is still a lot of security in the area and lots of bag checks but this is worthwhile when you get into the Forbidden City. It is such a special sight and I would love to go back there and wander around the City and the Palaces.. when I am not hungover

It was I saw my first Bronze Dynasty Ding .. I wish it has been the Dong Dynasty…. but it wasn't.

The rest of the afternoon was spent at a silk factory.. amazing fabrics .. and then at an indoor market where you could buy genuine fakes for as little as you were able to barter them down to.

I was with Harpic who should be snapped up by worldwide organizations as a negotiator. This woman has a serious Poker face and does not back down. I was so impressed. Especially when she managed to get me a Chanel bag for £9…..

The fact that it is identical to a colleagues real one makes it even better.

The sales ladies met their match with Harpic.. she almost made one cry. They actually loved her. So did I.. see above with Chanel bag…

I was almost loosing the will to live in the market. I was hot, hungover and being grabbed to go and buy things . My duck down jacket had also managed to get a tear somewhere as I was looking like I had been attacked by a fox and was leaving a little trail of feathers where ever I went.

I still managed to get a good few bargains.. well Harpic did…

It was time to get ready .. It was Hard Rock café night …

Awards

We all washed, scrubbed up and got ready for dinner. It wasn't that far from the hotel and Beijing looks lovely at night.....

I managed to win a few awards which resulted in a lot of chocolate... yum!!

The back group also won an awards for motivation although I think Janet should have got a special award for the jump she did on Dr Doug.

After a "few" drinks we hit the town .. and boy did we do it ....

I am not sure if the bar knew what had hit it .. nor the romantic couple in the corner .. but soon the two people on the stage were joined by several others. Infact at one point they left the stage and Laurence ended up putting on a show..

Several tequilas were drunk, I gave someone a piggy back, ended up throwing tequila in my eye and having it licked off my cleavage.. just a normal night really

I felt wonderful the next day....

The End of the Fellowship

And so we came to the final day of walking. It would be a half day with optional zip slide and then back to Beijing for the farewell meal.

It was a very strange day in some ways as we ended up walking on a restored part of the wall. It didn't seem like the Wall that we had come to know and love. This was a really touristy part that was neat and tidy and wasn't anywhere near as crumbly.

It was manicured.

We did get some looks in our walking boots, poles and rucksacks. Looks as the other people we saw were wearing sandals and walking with their children and wearing normal jeans and T shirts. Damn British, always have to go over the top and prepare. We must have looked like Ray Mears wearing his best bushcraft outfit to go shopping at Tescos.

Maybe they were looking at us as we had spam and sultanas....

And so the trek ended with a spray of champagne, a few tears and lots of photos.. ooh and some cake!!

We did it! And we did it in style

All that remained was to get back and have a quiet celebration.....

Toboggan.......

Yes, a gentle toboggan ride from the top of the wall into the village below. How simple could it be?

Harpic had her nice pink jumper tied around her waist and thoughtfully cleaned the whole run as the jumper was black at the end.

The costumed attendants pointed at instructions, pull the stick up to slow down and push if you want to go faster hunny.

I was after Sharon and waited a little while so I could get a speed up. It was so much fun!!

As I rounded a corner there was Sharon. For some reason she had stopped and her toboggan was not going anywhere. Behind me I could hear the whoops of Emily and Tracy as they sped towards us.

Uttering a genteel Northern warning cry to the guys behind me I slowed down. Sharon has managed to get it going again but it kept slowing down. Emily's cries were soon right behind me and down we all went like a convoy being careful not to smash into each other.

The costumed men kept telling us to speed up or slow down and one even slapped poor Sharon.

We saw the end in sight and tried to slow down to avoid going straight through the barrier, down the steps and along the " high street" with bits of tat attaching themselves to us.

The Italian job had minis .. the Chinese job just had toboggans.

We caused chaos on a simple slide..

My sister had asked me if I could get a snake's penis carved into the shape of Jackie Chan but despite trying I couldn't find one anywhere.

We knew that civilization as we knew it .. well.. just American tourists.. was close.. as we spotted a Subway.

Steeeeeeeeeeeep

The next day when we did our warm ups apart from the pomps from passing cars, and things that were trying to be cars, we had an audience of Chinese men watching us..

Well, most of them had actually placed themselves behind Susi to watch as she bent over. Their smiles could be seen from space.

We set off down the road and through a local village that had traditional "communist" music being blared out for all the workers... lots of stares on both sides.

Today it was steep!!!With lots of hawkers trying to sell T shirts and drinks etc. I was even surprised by one that spoke to me in an Irish accent... I know that Riverdance is popular but I had no idea on the extent...

There was a sign on this part of the wall advising that due to the holes and rubble you needed to keep left. Great health and safety except it was the same sign at the top and the bottom....

A novel place for food

Normally we would eat in places near to or attached to the hotel.

One one night we had our food in what was a garden centre. The owner had been to the UK liked what he saw and decided to set up a garden centre come restaurant. It was lovely, even though we did get told off for hiding amongst the ferns.

We also had no idea where the toilets were so used our analytical skills and opened the door that had a dragon in it. No toilets but I now know the dragon is a sign for " open door to find Chinese man looking at you with open mouth on a sack of rice"

You have been warned.

Harpic and Hostage

With Anglo-Chinese relationships firmly established we carried on walking.
Some parts of the trek were on very high parts of the wall but we also had to walk across some ledges today. Again the views were humbling.

All of a sudden, like Mr Ben, a man selling tea, coffee etc would appear out of nowhere. The legend of English women and tea have obviously been spread and shouted from the roof tops.. I have no idea what they charged us but a hot cuppa tea was worth everything.

I even bought the most expensive snickers bar in the world. I savoured every mouthful. Which was one.

The ledges we crossed were narrow and you had to face the wall, hold on and shuffle across them. Usually at the end of the ledge we would clamber up a rock but I always felt safe as the guides blocked the worst of any drops and often pushed us up by the buttocks. Yes, weren't they lucky.

If I am honest I was more worried on slipping and taking them out!

The middle and backs group were on a ledge when we came to an abrupt halt. We had no idea why but we didn't really want to stuck on a narrow ledge hanging onto a wall.

Unbeknown to us at the front of the group was an angry Chinese Farmer with an axe. He said that one of the groups in front had taken photos of him and he was not best pleased at this violation.

Our front group swore blind it wasn't them so we blamed the only other group of people we had seen.. The Bloody Canadians...

The farmer was refusing to let us move past and we were being held hostage on the ledge. Poor Sharon's phone went off at this point.. it had the Avon doorbell as it's ring and was just what you need when you are pressed against the wall not looking at the drop thinking the wall is my friend I love the wall... This was not the time to put through a mascara order.

Eventually we were allowed to pass. It was only on the last night after a few tequilas that High Society started to show me some of her photos. She looked in horror when she realised that it she had caused the hostage situation. Despite swearing blind she had not one, but three photos of the farmer, including one in close up with him and the axe.. he didn't look a happy man....

Past the ledge and in the distance we saw another Chinese lady waiting for a group. We had literally just got rid of the others.

"Feck me" said Harpic " This one's fecking persistent"

Our Chinese guide smiled " This is my wife".

The quotes of Harpic

Like I said the hawkers had smelt blood. You cannot blame them for trying to sell things to you as its the way they make money. Unfortunately, someone from a previous group had decided to pay one of the hawkers to carry his bags....now they all wanted it.

As we arrived at the beginning of the daily trek a swarm of hawkers surrounded the coach. Nothing to sell.. they just wanted to walk with us, carry our bags, help us and then get paid for it. Just say No politely was the advice and they will eventually leave....no.. these lot were like glue!

I can only imagine this is what it is like for movie stars or sports people who are mobbed the minute they get off a coach. We were surrounded, we didnt have a clue what was being said. We were all allocated a Chinese Hawker to walk with us if we wanted it or not.

It was quite scarey. We managed to push our way to the beginning of the wall followed by a horde of Chinese men and women. So much for a relaxing start. Julie and I set off at a march and ended up at the front of the group.. to cries of "dont you love us" from the backgroup. No we just wanted to walk alone!!

Not a chance. If you slowed, they slowed. Some of them left but mine stayed. He must have thought I would need carrying. No, I dont have a small arse mister but believe me I dont need your help.

We were clambering up a grass slope and on some bits those in front would turn and help the other to get up the bank. On this slope offering his hand to help pull the trekkers to the top was a Chinese man dressed in full walking gear. Without thinking Harpic shouted " Look at this one. He's a feckin professional this one. Look at him, he's even got a pole".

Without blinking an eye, and in perfect English, he offered Harpic his hand and said " Hello, I'm your guide".

Priceless!!

My shadow ignored every request. I slowed down thinking he would get bored, he slowed down. I ignored him .. he was used to it. I was considering paying him some money just so he would feck off and leave me alone.

We stopped for a drink of water and unfortunetely my water bottle bounced out of my hand and rolled down a slope. Not to worry - I had others.

In an instant my hawker came to me and indicated me would get my water bottle. I shook my head and pointed to the water I was drinking. I mean , it was a slope!! I would need to have no water and be desperate to try and fetch it. Again he wanted to go, again I said NO. He came even close pointed to my water and started to move.. Harpic looked at him and said the words that have no boundaries in culture or language

"What part of FUCK OFF don't you understand".

He left. For good

Watch Out Hawker's about..

The next day of trekking will go down as one of the funniest mornings I have ever had which ended with us being held hostage on a ledge by a farmer with an axe...and we have the photos to prove it...

I just rested on the coach and tried to go over all the things I had seen and experienced. It didnt seem like days it seemed like months and I am not too proud to admit that when I returned to 8 hours of working in London rather than 8 hours of walking in China I hit a huge slump.

You learn a lot about yourself when on a trek. I mean I knew I was clumsy and had a different sense of humour but I started to like all of me and appreciate myself more. I learnt to trust more, not just of others but of myself. You all end up swapping stories from your fellow trekkers which you would take years to tell to others. Some sad, some that made you cry with laughter.

I even had my own care in the comunity carer Sharon .. I needed it!!

The place we were staying as was in a more touristy area which you could tell by the hawkers that surrounded the coach the minute it arrived. Panda hats, great wall of China T Shirts and gloves, hats, socks, walking poles( I was attached to mine). The hawkers had smelt blood, it had sent them into a frenzy and they were not going to give up the scent easily.

The first hotel room was so cold I actually screamed when I went into the bathroom as my feet froze to the floor.

We were moved to another room but the hot water ran out before I got into the shower. To say I was close to tears was an understatement, dinner was in 15 minutes and I was minging. For health and safety reasons I needed my wash. There was still a lot of mud on my bum! My Care in the Community Worker let me use the shower in their room and I emerged clean feeling reborn.

I must have looked interesting in the Hogan headband over the past two days as I sat next to someone and they didn't recognise me!!

After being informed that the white wine was £60 a bottle I decided to stick with red.

It was Doug's birthday so we celebrated. I even managed to eat birthday cake with chopsticks.. I mean .. It was cake.. I was polite as normally I go head first into it.

Due to time spent on Skyros I resolved to never take part in anything that was similar to a "Cabaret" or party games... So I was a total party pooper and had an earlyish night in bed ... ahh the joy!!

School's Out ....

The plan for the day was to walk to a part on the wall where 3 provinces of China meet and then visit a school in the afternoon. It was cool but with beautiful blue skies. In all we were exceptionally lucky with the weather.. if only the sun had melted that bloody ice!!

I was so tired I even found the warm up difficult.. stand on one leg and rotate the other ankle.. not a fookin chance.. it had also resulted in temporary tourettes..

I wasnt the only one feeling that way and between us we managed to get ourselves all lively again. Personally I can suggest taking the following after breakfast; dextrose tables, some skittles, a berocca and some green tea tablets.By the time they all kicked in I was flying!!

Part of the challenge for the tour operator was to get us doing a dance routine so we all ended up doing the YMCA on the top part of the wall. It may not win awards but it was great fun to do ...

On the way back we noticed lots of little pits that were all empty...maybe it was like the movie Hostel and this is where they put stray tourists and poked them with sticks.. but no .. it was just for the corn. I think the heat of the bed had frazzled my mind...

We ate lunch back in the village under the glance of Chairman Mao and then started down the road to walk to a local school.

You often see funny pictures from China of people working with a complete disregard to safety and in cars that look like they have been strapped together with bits of stuff found in a tip. Well, I would like to say - its all true!!

Some of the newer houses that were being built were in a Western style.. and they were huge with gates and several bedrooms. I wonder how the villages will change in a few years especially as many try and become more Western in their tastes.. well...well, more Essex in one that I saw.

The school was an eye opener. They put on an exercise class for us outside led by a very strong female character whom everyone followed. Some of the group joined in and the funniest moment was when she bent to tie her shoelaces and everyone bent down and followed her movements..including us!!We all got shouted at.

The first thing I noted in the school was signs on swine flu and pictures showing do not cuddle your pigs... not something you get in London.

The children looked so much younger than their UK counterparts and the girls were more confident than the boys. Their English was fantastic and we spoke, sang and left pens etc for them. Those involved with the communist party wore small red scarfs, part of the flag, around their necks.

To know that some of these children walked to and from the village we had been in every day to get an education made me realise how much we take for granted. I don't know what would happen in the village if a local took sick as it was a fair distance away from major towns and I didnt see any doctors at all. I think a lot of the things we saw made us question a lot of things about ourselves and what we take as a given.. but hey, this is a blog so I won't mention that . If I do start to write a new blog called " The Good Life - Streatham Branch" you will be the first to know....

After the foray into the toilets that I have already mentioned we got on a bus and headed back to civilization....

After all it was Dr Doug's Birthday!

The Village

On we trudged.

Eventually we could see a road in the distance and we knew that once we reached it we would be on our way to the village..sanity..sleep and a good wash.

We just had to get down the slope.. I am pretty sure I did some of it backwards.

Safely on the road we all had a group hug and the dried mud from my arse was brushed off.. it's on video and I think it looks similar to a sandstorm.

Sandy sat herself down on a farmer's wall that had been constructed carefully from broken parts of the wall. As we watched one boulder fell.. followed by another part, and another part until suddenly the whole part of the wall fell into the road.

Looking at each other in horror we turned to our guide Peter - he looked at us and then the wall and shouted " RUN"

Waking into the village we noticed lots of immaculate little dogs in the backyard. There were one or two larger guard dogs tied up but mostly lots of well-groomed small dogs that looked as pampered to hell.

We asked Peter why this was and got the response

" We keep small dogs as they are too boney to eat. Dog, yum yum"

prompting a slap from the veggies in the group as he ran away giggling... Maybe the red meat was actually Redsetter

Some of the others had got to the village before us and saluted us into the village with raised poles and bottles of beer... very well deserved beers.

How would I describe the local village house??It was very clean and welcoming but it was also very basic. Drop toilets and basins outside to wash your hands and a shower that I am pretty sure was not used by anyone.

As you can imagine by this point I was beyond minging.

I took off my red head scarf and quickly put my hat on for the safety of others....

Grabbing my bag I headed for the room but on opening the door I realised that it was impossible for six people to stand in the room at the same time. It would need to be done on shifts. At any given time only three people had enough room to stand on the floor...

From what I have learnt we stayed in a typical chinese village accomodation. You sleep on a long tiled " bed" which is heated to keep you warm. We also had sand pillows. Six if us were all lined up together in our sleeping bags - it woud be a cosy night to say the least.

That night we ate like Kings and some ended up doing an improvised assault course in the courtyard. We were looked at like we were mad... and to be honest I think most people would have looked at us this.

I discovered Harpic's secret power that night - the ability to guess charades with hardly any clues eg film seven words " The good, the Bad and the Ugly". No contest....

It was bloody cold outside but it was like Barbados on that bed and that was before the thermals and the sleeping bag. At one point I wondered if we had wandered into a hostel type scenario and we were actually being slow cooked and would end up in a stew the next day.

The lovely lady lying next to me snored but Harpic thought it was me so as I was getting to sleep she nudged me in the ribs..

I can honestly say it was one of the worst nights sleeps I have ever had in my life. I had barely any sleep, I was grumpy, tired and weak, minging and had no option but to repeat the day as a Hulk Hogan lookalike...

It looked like it was going to be a long day....

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

And so on we trekked .. it is at this point we became very well acquainted with Chinese chopped pork and ham....

Spam

The Chinese are not the best at putting together a packed lunch. Infact on my travels they could rate as some of the worst, but then again it’s not food that they themselves eat so they did their best.

You are warned on this before the Trek and if you need to bring food/energy bars then you should. You are warned but in my view nothing prepared me for that spam.

Every morning we had to collect a packed lunch for ourselves.. meat or veggie.. and carry it with us until lunchtime - carried as far away from the nappy sacks as possible…


On that first full day we all sat down on a outcrop of rock and tenderly prized open the plastic bag.. oohh yes,.. a boiled egg.. ooohh and an apple.. and oohh.. a pepperoni type sausage thing as well.. and a huge sandwich … wow ..

The hunk of unsliced “mother’s pride” had been sectioned into three pieces almost to the bottom of bread. As we peeled the “slices” back we saw that one section had a slice of tomato and a sliver of spam, the other section a slice of cucumber and a slither of spam. For the veggies, two slices of cucumber one side and two slices of tomato the other. No Spam. We also had a splodge of a butter type substance on each slice. Dry?? You bet.

I have a hearty appetite and can eat most things. Infact I was one of the group tasters. I tried most things first to tell others what they were.. I did advise Harpic that some bright pink meat was possibly red setter but she still ate it . Based on another conversation it just may well have been ….

I chewed that sandwich for a long time.. I was hungry and needed energy but I don’t think my teeth, taste buds and tummy knew what the hell was going on . I left the egg .. always nice to have a treat in the afternoon…

I have to admit though that Chinese apples are some of the most tasty I have ever had. They were delicious!! To be fair most of the food in China was fresh and exceptional.

Spam for breakfast and lunch every day .. it made us laugh and I have to thank you Monty Python but I never want to see spam again … I ate some at the reunion and felt a wave of nausea…

I think the final lunch I had was the worst .. spam and sugar on sultana bread … there are no words.

That was a day when I didn’t save my egg as a treat.

Gandalf the Northerner

As so on we trekked.. some of us more covered in mud that others.. In the end we formed the brown arse group for those who had slipped and I was named President .. I think it was an honour

We walked up slopes and down slopes and up slopes, scrambling over rocks and rubble like mountain goats.. I decided at this point that I loved my walking pole so much, and to be honest it had offered me more help and security than some men have in the last few years, that I should actually marry it. I loved that pole. I really dont think I could have done the ice ledge without it...

As far as I was aware the slopes were incredibly steep as I was almost bent over double using the pole as leverage to get up them.

It was only when we stopped on a flat part of the wall and I stood up that I realised the spike of the pole was actually above my knee cap and it was actually no longer extended …

My pole was no bigger than a Hobbits walking stick, no wonder I had been bunched over like the old grey wizard whilst clambering up the slopes… Gandalf the Northerner.. with mud

And no.. I didnt marry it in the end...Harpic's keeping it safe for me!

Best First Aid Ever

Most first aid kits contain the usual stuff but I would like to give a suggestion that all first aid kits on Treks contain something that can raise the mood of the most jaded, heal the limping, can lift the spirits and transform someone to a sprightly kitten of a thing.

The Roman Army helped its soldiers march for hours within hunger or complaint by providing them with fennel seeds to chew on. Us English ladies are far more simple than that

Yes .. just offer us a cuppa tea

If you offered a group of woman a cuppa if they managed to haul their arses quickly to the next peak I promise you it would be like witnessing training for the 2012 Olympics. If you threw in a digestive biscuit we would march for hours. Maybe not without complaint but if you shoved another digestive in our gobs then we would at least be silent for a while

I remember the wonderful words that Vik uttered the night before to me as we managed to light our way home by pressing the buttons on our mobile phones..

“I have teabags”

He had also got milk by miming to the Chinese but we won’t go into that as by the hand actions he showed he is lucky to have only been given UHT full fat..

Pure and utter heaven....