Watch Out .. Karen's About....

Some people are born with the grace and elegance of a swan …

I am not one of them...

I think I have to blame it on genetics as my Mum is the only other person I know who manages to wash up using themselves as part of the cleaning process. When I wash up I don’t know what I do but, like my mother, I can turn around and be covered in soapy water from the boobs downwards.. I could make a fortune on the internet …

I am also known for going to bathrooms and turning on the taps to wash my hands and ending up looking like I have been attached by a hosepipe. I also managed to fall down the stairs twice in flat shoes before the trek.

Is it any surprise then that I won the “ best fall award”?

Maybe I was still jet lagged? Maybe I was tired, fearful, walking with holes in my tracksuit bottoms where someone… probably me .. had speared them with a walking pole and I was now walking on them as they were ripped .. maybe this … nah ..Ok.. that bollocks.. it’s because I am clumsy

With a cry of “ ooh, it’s a bit slippy here” I managed to land on my arse and go round a corner in clay mud leaving my arse a very fetching shade of orange brown.. this was much to the amusement of everyone ..

Luckily I didn’t land too hard or my water bottle would have been wedged up my arse and that is a task I would not have given to the doctor…

I cemented my reputation as a woman of grace a little later on when on a totally flat, muddy area I turned to the ladies beside me and said “ Watch out here ladies it’s slippy”. With not a care in the world, or thinking of using my own walking pole, I took a stride and did what can only be described as a moment of pure comedy

My feet left the ground and for a moment in time I levitated above Mother Earth.. a vision in red headscarf and tatty tracksuit .. I was flying.

I landed with such a crash on the mud on the other arse cheek that I think I actually shifted the tectonic plates and I would like to offer my apologies to everyone if this has caused us to have less daylight in the working day ... I know there was an earthquake afterwards but I believe my arse played no part in this …

The first thing I saw was the look of shock on Harpic’s face followed by peels of laughter.. I think some must have come from me too as it was very funny. It’s nice to know that your friends will always come and help you once they have managed to straighten up and wipe the tears from their eyes.

To say that my bum was covered in mud is an under-statement.

A word from the wise.. Do not wear tracksuit bottoms when walking . Yes, they are comfy but if they get wet , or say covered in mud, they will be dragged down by the weight and make you look like you have a saggy arse… this may have been the case before the mud but believe me .. it’s not an attractive look… But at least no damage was done .. And I won a choccie bar!! More padding for the arse!!

Peter the guide laughed so hard when he saw me that he told me I have could have two beers.. one for each arse cheek…

And I had hours of walking left ….

Heavens Ladder and the Hogan

As I said in the last blog, before the ice and after the ice seems a bit of a blur... after the constant .. "it's clear round the corner" from Peter our guide for about 30 minutes we did actually come to a path that has less ice on it ... Peter hadn't lied .. he just hadn’t told us what corner..

In front of us were rough stone steps that had been hewn out of the mountain side that led up almost vertically to the top. There was a handrail and we did stop for pics at the picnic area at the bottom but we all look worn out and knackered. By this point we had also officially become the back group.. award winning motivators and having the most fun possible whilst slipping all over the place. And so we approached heavens ladder. 200 plus steps.. hmmmmm

200 plus.. since when does 308 steps count as 200plus??

In that case I am a size 8 plus...

As a group we walked the steps together, ten steps and then a rest, ten steps and then a rest, with cries of “big step Karen” all the way.. we saw the end in sight and rejoiced, we felt proud, we had done it !! and soon we could stop and have some food and a drink and ..

WTF!!!

Yes, at the top of Heaven's Ladder stood a group of Chinese workmen with a bloody great bit of machinery... I would love to say that they did a Paul Daniel's and majicked it up there but no... I don't think they did...

They looked at us in a way that cannot be captured in words... with fags hanging out of mouths.. we must have looked a picture..

After more steps we came to the resting spot we had lunch and I experienced what can only be described as a spam experience..but more on that later…

I emerged from the bracken to be greeted by the shocked face of Harpic who took one look at my new red head scarf and sun glasses combo and commented

"Fuck me. With that headscarf you look like Hulk Hogan. All you need is the fucking yellow shorts and the tash now"..

Sadly, she was right as I have actually seen a picture of Hogan in an identical red head scarf and sadly he looked a damn sight fresher than I did it in at that moment... but I don’t think he ever appreciated it as much as I did.

And so that is how I became known as Hogan for the trek, Harpic, Hogan and High Society...

Challenge Anneka - Ice and Arse...

I am sure that Anneka Rice's bum was far better looking than mine from behind.. no .. let me state that again.. I know it was better...

By the end of day 2 my arse was covered in mud.. my trousers had a hole in the bottom from being speared by a walking pole.. probably my own in fear.. and that delightful view was in most photos to the extent it was named " the Arse of China"... I was also called the arsehole of China but I think that was in error after a stressful day.. But I still love you .. my care in the community helper...

I think a day can be viewed by how many photos were taken and by the number of quotes. I took none I was too terrified to stop and take off my bag. The trek also started with a discussion on sexuality and same sex relationships .. she may have been tired or may have had a valid point when one of the group commented that she thought all men had homicidal tendencies......

Day 2 ....Ice, scree, drops,mud, tears, falls, dust and wind... although the latter was mostly from Harpic after she slipped off the ledge with a cry of " I can't die, I haven't had children" and was swiftly caught ... Remember, when you catch someone and "save their lives" they may in return be ever grateful or just fart on you ...

I can't even remember the early part of the day .. I know we set out and walked to the same route we had done the previous day .. we warmed up like pros and I managed not to fall over whilst balancing on one leg and I think I looked damned good with the hip swivels...I know we went up more steps...we laughed, we went along a ledge similar to Hellvellyn with a ledge and sheer drops either side... that we ambled along some very narrow paths that snaked along the contours of the wall..

Nothing that we had thought, not a lot of walking ON the wall but it was so beautiful...We knew that this was going to be one of the longest days for walking and also one of the most challenging.. finished off by a night in a local homestay....

We were all nervous about Heaven's Ladder and the 200plus steps carved into the rock that we would need to trudge up.

Then came the ice.

The sunshine left us and we were on a sheltered narrow path that was totally ice bound.. On one side of the wall were bricks and bracken, on the other a steep slope with trees and more bracken. If you slipped off the ledge and down it apart from the fear you probably would have hurt yourself or at least damaged some tree stumps!! And then have to get back up the slope and carry on.

We took it very slow with the leaders and guides helping us along. I think the reason that the group bonded and got on so well so down to this day. You have to help and motivate each other. Everyone has different fears and sometimes you lose your fears by helping others who are more fearful than you .. well at least this is what they told me...

The trick to going along the path was to grab a handful of bracken in the left hand and hold it until you could find a footing on the right side of the path, usually a dead tree stump, then move your left leg to find footing and then repeat. Any branches that you could find could be passed to the next person behind you and so on....

Unfortunately every ***** branch bit of bracken I grabbed I managed to pull out of the wall.. It had survived thousands of years and then a Northerner was managing to destroy it in minutes.. I wasn't the only person who had managed to destroy the wall.. Harpic had been doing the same in the group ahead and I think that out joint swearing must have been heard in space.

My hair was all over the place and I was getting a bit sweaty as nervous if honest .. I HATE waking on Ice .. I am clumsy .. its not a good combination.

This is the part when I turn into Hogan and Sandra lent me a red headscarf that kept my hair away and all tucked up .. it was a life saver...I still have it and I will give it back at the reunion but every time I see it it just makes me smile.

And so we went on this way for what seemed like an eternity.. walking slowly on the ice, pulling the wall apart and slipping all over the place. I also rant, laugh and talk to myself when I am scared.... The time to be worried is when I am silent... like I said.. care in the community....

We were all concerned that we would lose our poles which were life savers as they helped us find extra stability and we could wedge them under our feet to make sure we slipped less. A word went round from the tour leaders to remind us to make sure we had our hand in the pole strap so that if we did slip we would not lose our poles down the slope.

Janet yelled over to me ," Karen , are you wearing your strap on"
"No" I cried " would it have helped?

Laughter and ice do not go together at all.. but if you are going to slip over a ledge I hope it is to the chorus of laughter and giggles. Ladies at the back, I have never laughed so much whilst being so scared..

One of our Chinese guides Peter was one of the funniest men I have met in a long time. If you asked him a question he would often give a Peter answer " how far away is it Peter" " 4 Minutes Karen".... after half an hour you would realise he meant a Chinese 4 minutes ....

Peter was guiding another lovely Sandra on where to put her feet on the slope with a cry of "here safe".. " this bit safe too" . I just followed his advice and hoped for the best.

We came to one bit that was steep and, apart from being covered in ice had very little to use to help pull yourself along. On some bits of the trek we had to remind Andy that he was well over 6 foot and we had hobbit legs. I could see the safe space he was pointing out but I just didn't know if my right leg could possibly jump that far to the tree stump without me ending up doing a move that Torvill and Dean would have been proud of. I did make the jump one time and then realised I didn't have a clue in hell what I was going to do with the other leg... it wasn't the last time that day I ranted on how I could only find space for one leg....

So there we are looking at this bare slope and then looking at each other and then we looked expectantly at Peter, hoping for guidance, motivation , encouragement.... he shrugged and shouted

"Nowhere safe... go where you can!!"

I was passed down a large tree branch from the top of the slope to help haul myself up. I was so confused it took a while to realise that the branch was between my legs and I er.. had nowhere else to go...
Yes, I had to go back down the ****ing slope and start again....

My hands by the way were scratched to hell.. yes.. I did have gloves but they were in my back pack.. with my camera...

And so we made it through the ice.My fellow trekkers were amazing, I was helped, cajoled and at one point had someones hand on my arse giving me a push when I started to slip backwards...

Corporations in the city.. eat your heart out .. this is only something you could dream about for team building events...

The fellowship on the wall had faced its first perils ... but the day had barely started....

I HEART Vaseline

yes... yes.. I know its petroleum based and all the rest and I will try to find a non oil based product next time ... but

VASELINE IS AMAZING!!

There, it has been said. A wise woman told me to smother my feet in Vaseline and then put sock liners on and then put on my walking socks as this would prevent blisters.

Not only did this work but my feet were in better condition at the end of the trek than they were at the beginning ....it's fantastic!!

Although having a super sized jar of it on your bedside table can leave you open to comments.....

" OOh I bet your feet are soft".....

4 Star Toilets, 5 star smell or to pee or not to pee.. that is the question...

Chinese toilets....

I have lived and worked in Greece so I am used to putting paper in the bin not down the loo itself.. I have even cleaned out those bins when we were busy at work and I have cursed the guests who used as I have seen some things that could frighten a mongoose ... and dealt with a case of the phantom wanker ...but even after all this nothing could prepare me for the smell of some of the toilets I faced on this trek...

I thank the god who made vicks vapour rub as otherwise entering the school toilet would have been impossible.. apart from 15 school children running into the toilets to watch you wee ... luckily they didn't see my arse as it's so white it may have scared them for life.. we were faced with drop pits with stand over holes and some of those kids had not been good aims... vicks under the nose may burn but its worth it!! I will now take it on every trip .. as well as vaseline...

On one of the last days I entered a tourist toilet that had a duvet covering the entrance. Not only was it acting as a door but it was keeping the warmth in as it was slightly chilly. This was also in the park that had a sign saying it was the most romantic park in the area.... believe me when I say if that was true you would not want to see the most unromantic park in that area. Maybe that is what they use to help keep the population down.... that and one condom in a room...

ahh yes.. the duvet.. a door and keeping the warmth in. When I pulled back the duvet I realised that it had probably been keeping the smell in since last season and quite possibly since the Mongol hoards themselves came over the hills looking for a place to pee and hook up in a nice little romantic area...

I almost lost an eyebrow and momentarily went blind when the first gust of toilet air hit me... those that went later on said it was ok so I feel like the person who first smelt the air of the Pharaohs tombs but hopefully I wont die in the curse of the Chinese toilet.. I was just glad I had gone easy on the spam that afternoon.... spam?? don't worry .. I will tell all later.. I just want to tease ...
The toilets themselves were clean but I was so dazed I didn't know if the foam in them was mold or a cleaning fluid...

I have never been to a country that advertises 4 star toilets... and lies.. 4 star!?!! from whom?? One toilet was nothing more than a bin liner placed into and over the top of the toilet bowl itself.. Portaloos are luxury compared to this.. I just kept thinking that some person has to empty this... this toilet by the way is near the zip slide so it is a main tourist toilet .. as the film Kenny states " It has a smell that will outlast religion..." or something...

Despite many options I decided I would pee au naturel ... toilet roll and scented nappy bag in hand (well in rucksack far away from the kendal mint cake) off I went along the wall.

Often in the distance a bare arse would be seen on part of the wall with the cry of "sorry ladies I cant stop peeing" and we once made a hawker man wish he had never popped his head through a tower as he spotted 4 ladies squatting.. he looked shocked and we never even bought a coffee from him....

Others used the she-pee and gained a new understanding when men say that its difficult to aim correctly.. Others used a travel John and just what those poor Chinese people will think when they find a large plastic bag thing with solidified urine and crystals in their bins I have no idea...

Luckily I didn't break the toilet... unlike my mate who deserved the nickname of Harpic as a plunger was often to be found outside her room and she became an expert in miming that the toilet was broken and IN NO INSTANCE was the lid to be lifted.. unfortunately they never understood her and lifted the lid anyway ....

Harpic not a bad nickname seeing that mine was Hogan... the glam one was High Society so I think she wins on those...

So yes - toilets. Grim. The guys even had a name for the necessities of life on the wall... honouring the great God Bum-Rah.. they advised us that they made daily offerings at her white temple and offered sacrifices in nature to ensure the safety of the group.

It may just have worked as none of us hurt ourselves..

The Wall

Before I get onto when and where it started to get fun, and when I ended up looking like Hulk Hogan but a damn sight more terrifying, a few words need to be said on the wall.

You can read a lot of books, have the talk, see the museum and look at as many photos as time allows but nothing can prepare you for its splendour and size. Its very humbling to have walked for hours and to see the zig zagging of the wall all around you. I was close to tears and I wasn't even pre-menstrual (but I had eaten some kendal mint cake.. it does odd things to you). U cant quite grasp the complexity of the construction, the work that went into building it, the labours and loves and life and death that it must have seen..not to mention the sweaty arses of many groups hauling themselves up it.

The people seem to be part of the wall too.. it's in their hearts as well as their homes - they are proud of it. I really liked the Chinese people we met. They were warm, funny, friendly and welcoming... well except the farmer with the axe that kept us hostage for 30 minutes on a ledge....

I don't think I am the only person who has gazed on the wall and tried to express the emotions they are feeling. To wonder what they can say that can even give the slightest hint of the power, beauty, colour and immensity of the zig zagging dragons back. To have taken a deep breath and to nodding heads in agreement uttered the only words possible ..... " Fuck me"

Firewater

That night we were introduced to firewater.. I didn't taste it as I have once had a bad experience on such strong stuff... although you may not believe it...I have forgotten what proof it was - possibly about 85% -but supposedly with coca cola and after your oesophagus has dissolved it tastes quite nice.

I myself stayed on the delightful Chinese red that was sold for the bargain of £10 a bottle.. it was a beautiful vintage and the fact that we drank it out of hello Kitty plastic cups just added to the experience....

If I had known what day 2 had in store I would not have had the cuppa tea and downed the firewater and took a supply with me...