The quotes of Harpic

Like I said the hawkers had smelt blood. You cannot blame them for trying to sell things to you as its the way they make money. Unfortunately, someone from a previous group had decided to pay one of the hawkers to carry his bags....now they all wanted it.

As we arrived at the beginning of the daily trek a swarm of hawkers surrounded the coach. Nothing to sell.. they just wanted to walk with us, carry our bags, help us and then get paid for it. Just say No politely was the advice and they will eventually leave....no.. these lot were like glue!

I can only imagine this is what it is like for movie stars or sports people who are mobbed the minute they get off a coach. We were surrounded, we didnt have a clue what was being said. We were all allocated a Chinese Hawker to walk with us if we wanted it or not.

It was quite scarey. We managed to push our way to the beginning of the wall followed by a horde of Chinese men and women. So much for a relaxing start. Julie and I set off at a march and ended up at the front of the group.. to cries of "dont you love us" from the backgroup. No we just wanted to walk alone!!

Not a chance. If you slowed, they slowed. Some of them left but mine stayed. He must have thought I would need carrying. No, I dont have a small arse mister but believe me I dont need your help.

We were clambering up a grass slope and on some bits those in front would turn and help the other to get up the bank. On this slope offering his hand to help pull the trekkers to the top was a Chinese man dressed in full walking gear. Without thinking Harpic shouted " Look at this one. He's a feckin professional this one. Look at him, he's even got a pole".

Without blinking an eye, and in perfect English, he offered Harpic his hand and said " Hello, I'm your guide".

Priceless!!

My shadow ignored every request. I slowed down thinking he would get bored, he slowed down. I ignored him .. he was used to it. I was considering paying him some money just so he would feck off and leave me alone.

We stopped for a drink of water and unfortunetely my water bottle bounced out of my hand and rolled down a slope. Not to worry - I had others.

In an instant my hawker came to me and indicated me would get my water bottle. I shook my head and pointed to the water I was drinking. I mean , it was a slope!! I would need to have no water and be desperate to try and fetch it. Again he wanted to go, again I said NO. He came even close pointed to my water and started to move.. Harpic looked at him and said the words that have no boundaries in culture or language

"What part of FUCK OFF don't you understand".

He left. For good

Watch Out Hawker's about..

The next day of trekking will go down as one of the funniest mornings I have ever had which ended with us being held hostage on a ledge by a farmer with an axe...and we have the photos to prove it...

I just rested on the coach and tried to go over all the things I had seen and experienced. It didnt seem like days it seemed like months and I am not too proud to admit that when I returned to 8 hours of working in London rather than 8 hours of walking in China I hit a huge slump.

You learn a lot about yourself when on a trek. I mean I knew I was clumsy and had a different sense of humour but I started to like all of me and appreciate myself more. I learnt to trust more, not just of others but of myself. You all end up swapping stories from your fellow trekkers which you would take years to tell to others. Some sad, some that made you cry with laughter.

I even had my own care in the comunity carer Sharon .. I needed it!!

The place we were staying as was in a more touristy area which you could tell by the hawkers that surrounded the coach the minute it arrived. Panda hats, great wall of China T Shirts and gloves, hats, socks, walking poles( I was attached to mine). The hawkers had smelt blood, it had sent them into a frenzy and they were not going to give up the scent easily.

The first hotel room was so cold I actually screamed when I went into the bathroom as my feet froze to the floor.

We were moved to another room but the hot water ran out before I got into the shower. To say I was close to tears was an understatement, dinner was in 15 minutes and I was minging. For health and safety reasons I needed my wash. There was still a lot of mud on my bum! My Care in the Community Worker let me use the shower in their room and I emerged clean feeling reborn.

I must have looked interesting in the Hogan headband over the past two days as I sat next to someone and they didn't recognise me!!

After being informed that the white wine was £60 a bottle I decided to stick with red.

It was Doug's birthday so we celebrated. I even managed to eat birthday cake with chopsticks.. I mean .. It was cake.. I was polite as normally I go head first into it.

Due to time spent on Skyros I resolved to never take part in anything that was similar to a "Cabaret" or party games... So I was a total party pooper and had an earlyish night in bed ... ahh the joy!!

School's Out ....

The plan for the day was to walk to a part on the wall where 3 provinces of China meet and then visit a school in the afternoon. It was cool but with beautiful blue skies. In all we were exceptionally lucky with the weather.. if only the sun had melted that bloody ice!!

I was so tired I even found the warm up difficult.. stand on one leg and rotate the other ankle.. not a fookin chance.. it had also resulted in temporary tourettes..

I wasnt the only one feeling that way and between us we managed to get ourselves all lively again. Personally I can suggest taking the following after breakfast; dextrose tables, some skittles, a berocca and some green tea tablets.By the time they all kicked in I was flying!!

Part of the challenge for the tour operator was to get us doing a dance routine so we all ended up doing the YMCA on the top part of the wall. It may not win awards but it was great fun to do ...

On the way back we noticed lots of little pits that were all empty...maybe it was like the movie Hostel and this is where they put stray tourists and poked them with sticks.. but no .. it was just for the corn. I think the heat of the bed had frazzled my mind...

We ate lunch back in the village under the glance of Chairman Mao and then started down the road to walk to a local school.

You often see funny pictures from China of people working with a complete disregard to safety and in cars that look like they have been strapped together with bits of stuff found in a tip. Well, I would like to say - its all true!!

Some of the newer houses that were being built were in a Western style.. and they were huge with gates and several bedrooms. I wonder how the villages will change in a few years especially as many try and become more Western in their tastes.. well...well, more Essex in one that I saw.

The school was an eye opener. They put on an exercise class for us outside led by a very strong female character whom everyone followed. Some of the group joined in and the funniest moment was when she bent to tie her shoelaces and everyone bent down and followed her movements..including us!!We all got shouted at.

The first thing I noted in the school was signs on swine flu and pictures showing do not cuddle your pigs... not something you get in London.

The children looked so much younger than their UK counterparts and the girls were more confident than the boys. Their English was fantastic and we spoke, sang and left pens etc for them. Those involved with the communist party wore small red scarfs, part of the flag, around their necks.

To know that some of these children walked to and from the village we had been in every day to get an education made me realise how much we take for granted. I don't know what would happen in the village if a local took sick as it was a fair distance away from major towns and I didnt see any doctors at all. I think a lot of the things we saw made us question a lot of things about ourselves and what we take as a given.. but hey, this is a blog so I won't mention that . If I do start to write a new blog called " The Good Life - Streatham Branch" you will be the first to know....

After the foray into the toilets that I have already mentioned we got on a bus and headed back to civilization....

After all it was Dr Doug's Birthday!

The Village

On we trudged.

Eventually we could see a road in the distance and we knew that once we reached it we would be on our way to the village..sanity..sleep and a good wash.

We just had to get down the slope.. I am pretty sure I did some of it backwards.

Safely on the road we all had a group hug and the dried mud from my arse was brushed off.. it's on video and I think it looks similar to a sandstorm.

Sandy sat herself down on a farmer's wall that had been constructed carefully from broken parts of the wall. As we watched one boulder fell.. followed by another part, and another part until suddenly the whole part of the wall fell into the road.

Looking at each other in horror we turned to our guide Peter - he looked at us and then the wall and shouted " RUN"

Waking into the village we noticed lots of immaculate little dogs in the backyard. There were one or two larger guard dogs tied up but mostly lots of well-groomed small dogs that looked as pampered to hell.

We asked Peter why this was and got the response

" We keep small dogs as they are too boney to eat. Dog, yum yum"

prompting a slap from the veggies in the group as he ran away giggling... Maybe the red meat was actually Redsetter

Some of the others had got to the village before us and saluted us into the village with raised poles and bottles of beer... very well deserved beers.

How would I describe the local village house??It was very clean and welcoming but it was also very basic. Drop toilets and basins outside to wash your hands and a shower that I am pretty sure was not used by anyone.

As you can imagine by this point I was beyond minging.

I took off my red head scarf and quickly put my hat on for the safety of others....

Grabbing my bag I headed for the room but on opening the door I realised that it was impossible for six people to stand in the room at the same time. It would need to be done on shifts. At any given time only three people had enough room to stand on the floor...

From what I have learnt we stayed in a typical chinese village accomodation. You sleep on a long tiled " bed" which is heated to keep you warm. We also had sand pillows. Six if us were all lined up together in our sleeping bags - it woud be a cosy night to say the least.

That night we ate like Kings and some ended up doing an improvised assault course in the courtyard. We were looked at like we were mad... and to be honest I think most people would have looked at us this.

I discovered Harpic's secret power that night - the ability to guess charades with hardly any clues eg film seven words " The good, the Bad and the Ugly". No contest....

It was bloody cold outside but it was like Barbados on that bed and that was before the thermals and the sleeping bag. At one point I wondered if we had wandered into a hostel type scenario and we were actually being slow cooked and would end up in a stew the next day.

The lovely lady lying next to me snored but Harpic thought it was me so as I was getting to sleep she nudged me in the ribs..

I can honestly say it was one of the worst nights sleeps I have ever had in my life. I had barely any sleep, I was grumpy, tired and weak, minging and had no option but to repeat the day as a Hulk Hogan lookalike...

It looked like it was going to be a long day....

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

And so on we trekked .. it is at this point we became very well acquainted with Chinese chopped pork and ham....

Spam

The Chinese are not the best at putting together a packed lunch. Infact on my travels they could rate as some of the worst, but then again it’s not food that they themselves eat so they did their best.

You are warned on this before the Trek and if you need to bring food/energy bars then you should. You are warned but in my view nothing prepared me for that spam.

Every morning we had to collect a packed lunch for ourselves.. meat or veggie.. and carry it with us until lunchtime - carried as far away from the nappy sacks as possible…


On that first full day we all sat down on a outcrop of rock and tenderly prized open the plastic bag.. oohh yes,.. a boiled egg.. ooohh and an apple.. and oohh.. a pepperoni type sausage thing as well.. and a huge sandwich … wow ..

The hunk of unsliced “mother’s pride” had been sectioned into three pieces almost to the bottom of bread. As we peeled the “slices” back we saw that one section had a slice of tomato and a sliver of spam, the other section a slice of cucumber and a slither of spam. For the veggies, two slices of cucumber one side and two slices of tomato the other. No Spam. We also had a splodge of a butter type substance on each slice. Dry?? You bet.

I have a hearty appetite and can eat most things. Infact I was one of the group tasters. I tried most things first to tell others what they were.. I did advise Harpic that some bright pink meat was possibly red setter but she still ate it . Based on another conversation it just may well have been ….

I chewed that sandwich for a long time.. I was hungry and needed energy but I don’t think my teeth, taste buds and tummy knew what the hell was going on . I left the egg .. always nice to have a treat in the afternoon…

I have to admit though that Chinese apples are some of the most tasty I have ever had. They were delicious!! To be fair most of the food in China was fresh and exceptional.

Spam for breakfast and lunch every day .. it made us laugh and I have to thank you Monty Python but I never want to see spam again … I ate some at the reunion and felt a wave of nausea…

I think the final lunch I had was the worst .. spam and sugar on sultana bread … there are no words.

That was a day when I didn’t save my egg as a treat.

Gandalf the Northerner

As so on we trekked.. some of us more covered in mud that others.. In the end we formed the brown arse group for those who had slipped and I was named President .. I think it was an honour

We walked up slopes and down slopes and up slopes, scrambling over rocks and rubble like mountain goats.. I decided at this point that I loved my walking pole so much, and to be honest it had offered me more help and security than some men have in the last few years, that I should actually marry it. I loved that pole. I really dont think I could have done the ice ledge without it...

As far as I was aware the slopes were incredibly steep as I was almost bent over double using the pole as leverage to get up them.

It was only when we stopped on a flat part of the wall and I stood up that I realised the spike of the pole was actually above my knee cap and it was actually no longer extended …

My pole was no bigger than a Hobbits walking stick, no wonder I had been bunched over like the old grey wizard whilst clambering up the slopes… Gandalf the Northerner.. with mud

And no.. I didnt marry it in the end...Harpic's keeping it safe for me!

Best First Aid Ever

Most first aid kits contain the usual stuff but I would like to give a suggestion that all first aid kits on Treks contain something that can raise the mood of the most jaded, heal the limping, can lift the spirits and transform someone to a sprightly kitten of a thing.

The Roman Army helped its soldiers march for hours within hunger or complaint by providing them with fennel seeds to chew on. Us English ladies are far more simple than that

Yes .. just offer us a cuppa tea

If you offered a group of woman a cuppa if they managed to haul their arses quickly to the next peak I promise you it would be like witnessing training for the 2012 Olympics. If you threw in a digestive biscuit we would march for hours. Maybe not without complaint but if you shoved another digestive in our gobs then we would at least be silent for a while

I remember the wonderful words that Vik uttered the night before to me as we managed to light our way home by pressing the buttons on our mobile phones..

“I have teabags”

He had also got milk by miming to the Chinese but we won’t go into that as by the hand actions he showed he is lucky to have only been given UHT full fat..

Pure and utter heaven....